Apprehension
by lauryn07
Summary: Last Chapter Uploaded. Carter and Abby come to an agreement.
1. Africa

He was apprehensive about leaving again when his relationship with Abby was still so raw after his first trip to Africa. But since he came back something remained behind. He'd left a part of himself with the starving children and victims of violence. It was forcing him to go back, without warning. The call had come suddenly. There was connection that formed with him and Luka and the second the phone rang through the quiet ER, he knew this is where things started to change. It was the first rift in a tide that was going to change their lives forever.  
  
He wanted to only think of getting home to Abby the moment Gillian curled up to him when Luka forced them out of the clinic, but the moment his hand curled around her for protection he felt a burst of energy. It wasn't so much a attraction as it was a need to protect her from harm. She was just like Abby. She was stubborn. She hated when people were right. She hated Luka trying to protect her and since he was only a friend, she would hate it even more. However, when she was asleep he'd talked to Luka and promised, if anything should happen, he would take care of her, as if she was his own. Luka knew it was presumptuous to ask such a favor from Carter, but he'd seen how Gillian had reached out to Carter. Probably the worst of it all was Carter confessing his own anxiety over his relationship with Abby. Luka understood somehow, yet he didn't offer suggestions. He didn't say, "I told you so". He only listened intently and prayed silently that things would work out. From the look in Carter's eyes, Luka could tell that he had a deep love for Abby that would never go away, but if worse came to worse, he would swallow his pride and his feelings and take a step back, forcing her to correct the mistake on her own. That was Carter. Always stubborn and unwilling to admit his feelings when he knew that it made him too vulnerable.  
  
So that same day Carter took personal leave, telling only Kerry of his whereabouts, but not of the conditions in which he was going. The second he told her that things in life were taking a wrong turn, she knew he needed the time. When he admitted to having failed, it was a sign that maybe a vacation from his vacation was just what he needed. She'd seen him at his worst and somehow she could see it in his eyes, in his actions, that it was coming back.  
  
"Where is everyone? There are patients waiting to be seen. Some of them have been here since last night," Romano said as he walked through admit.  
  
"Luka' in Africa. Pratt and Chen are in trauma. Lewis is working on patients with Weaver," Abby said as she put together another chart.  
  
"What about Dr. Carter?"  
  
"Didn't show up."  
  
"Get him on the phone and tell him he's fired."  
  
"He's not fired. He took personal leave," Kerry said as she discharged another patient. Abby looked at her, trying to not make it obvious that she was listening to their conversation. She couldn't believe that Carter left again without a word. It was becoming typical routine.  
  
"He just got back from a vacation. We were short handed as it was," Romano argued.  
  
"Listen, we're already looking into getting some more docs but right now we'll deal with what we have. The situation has been taken care of until further notice," Kerry told him.  
  
"Why'd he leave?" Abby asked.  
  
"I don't know," was all Kerry told her.  
  
"Did something happen?"  
  
"You know as much as I do," Kerry told her before walking off.  
  
Meanwhile, in Africa, Carter sat on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. After nearly starving, surviving a fight with a man armed with a knife and a gun, killing him and somehow managing to get Luka, nearly dying, back to the clinic, his worst fear was that he was going to have to watch Luka die.  
  
"Gillian," he said laying a hand on her shoulder. He'd sat in solace until his own thoughts began to eat at him and he realized that sitting around wasn't doing any of them good. He had to change his shirt again. The heat was exhausting. It was so hot outside that sleep wouldn't come, yet it was the only thing he wanted to do. He'd found Gillian right where he left her, at Luka's side. "Has he woke up?"  
  
She shook her head as she stood up. "Hey. How are you?" she asked reaching up to touch under his swollen eye.  
  
"I'm fine. I'm worried about him."  
  
"He's in a lot of pain."  
  
"His odds are better if we can get him out of here and to a real hospital."  
  
"We can't move him. He's not stable enough."  
  
"He's going to die laying on this table. He needs a doctor in an operating room. One helicopter ride and that bullet lodged in his hip can be removed and he can heal properly. We're running out of blood and our vaccinations could run out at any second."  
  
"We can't transfer him."  
  
"Then he's going to die."  
  
Carter left her there. He was frustrated that he couldn't do anything. He wanted to make everything better for Luka, for Gillian and for himself. Someone wasn't making anything easy on him. He couldn't remember how long he sat in the dark atmosphere, with his only light at the end of his cigarette, but at some point she joined him, poured them a couple drinks, and finally agreed that Luka deserved a chance and that only came with moving him. Arrangements were made quickly and as the journey neared it's end and they landed on the rough of the European hospital, they almost lost him. Using his self taught French, with a little help from Gillian, Luka's condition and life was handed over to a team of surgeons he wasn't even familiar with. 


	2. Emptyness

It wasn't right to be in the same hotel room with her when Luka was sick and Abby was waiting in Chicago for him. Luka's changes were slim. They both knew it before they left the hospital. The doctor had practically forced them out the door, with orders not to come back until they showered and slept. He didn't sleep. He couldn't. It had been a long time since he remembered sleeping without having a nightmare and waking up in a cold sweat. He had a feeling that Abby didn't know. She usually slept through the night, occasionally waking up, but never found anything wrong. Everyone at work was aware of his sleeping habits or lack there of. Now it was only getting worse. However, he felt he worked better under pressure when his judgment wasn't clouded by sleep. He wasn't deprived of sleep, because most of the time he felt fully rested. He somehow managed to gain the energy most do while sleeping, while still awake and functioning.  
  
"What are you doing?" Gillian asked when she walked into his room and found him staring out the window. He reached up and removed his headphones and turned toward her.  
  
"Watching the stars. Why aren't you asleep?" he asked.  
  
"I'm worried about Luka. Just don't tell him I admitted it."  
  
"You need sleep."  
  
"So do you," she retorted.  
  
"I don't sleep." She stood beside him as he looked out the window.  
  
"What do you see when you look out?" she asked.  
  
"Emptiness."  
  
"Why?" she asked.  
  
He only shrugged. "What do you see?"  
  
"Hope." He looked over at her. "I don't get it."  
  
"What?" His mind refused to believe what his body was telling him. He was committed to Abby. He loved her. And Gillian loved Luka. It all made sense until now. Until she traced his features with her finger, his tired and weary eyes transfixed on her movements and her mouth as she whispered words he never learned in French. He opened his mouth to object to her words, to her actions, but he couldn't. She reached behind his head and slowly pulled it down so their lips met. It was familiar, like it was a regular occurrence. He could feel the heat of her breath on his neck as she fingers swiftly unbuttoned his shirt, and then on his stomach as she sat down on the bed and pulled him closer so she could unfasten his jeans. His fingers found her long hair and tangled among the tresses. He couldn't remember how he went from standing to lying down but when he finally recovered for the euphoria that wrapped itself around his body, he found Gillian curled up next to him, their bodies tangled together amongst sheets and discarded clothes. It was then that he realized how starved for physical attention they both were and he couldn't have felt any worse than the moment he realized they weren't as safe as he had hoped.  
  
He'd betrayed Luka. He'd betrayed Abby. At least he wasn't coming out of it knowing that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Gillian. Neither of them was gentle. It was raw, animal instinct and he was ashamed to admit how good it felt. Well, it always felt good, but with Abby, he always took the time to make sure she felt good before he gave in himself. Gillian could have cared less. Together they did things he hadn't done since he was in high school, or med school. There was a limited type of women who could achieve such a state. There were few on his list. Certain men could handle it while others couldn't. He assumed Luka was one of those men, only due to the fact that he had shared that kind of intimacy with Gillian. It made him wonder if Abby had that type of side or if she was too precious and fragile to take advantage in such a way.  
  
When she rolled out of his bed, he was gone. She wasn't surprised at all. She showered and got dressed and found him an hour later, tying his shoes in the living room.  
  
"We should get to the hospital," he told her, standing up.  
  
"I'm ready. Did something happen?" she asked.  
  
"Let's go," he insisted, leading her out without an explanation.  
  
With Carter's determination and driving mixed, it didn't take long to get to the hospital. It made her worry more at how silent he was.  
  
"Hi. You must be Dr. Carter and Gillian," the man in blue scrubs said as he walked out of the recovery room. "Thanks for coming so quickly. I wanted to give you as much time to sleep as possible. I'm sorry I was unavailable when you arrived but I'm sure you understand that getting Luka into surgery was critical."  
  
"I do. I appreciate you being able to do this on short notice," Carter said.  
  
"What's wrong?" Gillian asked.  
  
"His condition is worsening. His CT shows slow deteriorating signs of activity. Unless this improves, there are measures we are required to take."  
  
"Has he triggered the vent?" Carter asked.  
  
"No. In a condition this bad, we're used to not seeing many signs of improvement within the first twenty-four hours. It's hard to tell how long he's been sick before the actual injury occurred. My main concern at this time, is that his brain was deprived of a lot of oxygen," the doctor told them. "It's not our decision to unplug."  
  
"He doesn't have any living relatives. His parents are dead and his wife and children died in the war," Carter told the doctor.  
  
"Then, it is our discretion to decide what is best for the patient," the doctor added.  
  
"Do what you feel is necessary," Carter said.  
  
"Don't do this John," Gillian pleaded.  
  
"You know what's going to happen. He's practically brain dead. If we get him back, he won't be the same. He'll need twenty-four hour care. Nothing will function properly. Right now, he has a chance of donating organs. But not if we don't make a decision." Gillian didn't respond.  
  
"I'll get the papers," the doctor said walking off. 


	3. Confessions

Author's Note: I guess I should have done this in the beginning. I don't own any characters, except a few later on that you will meet. I would appreciate any feedback you have. Thanks for reading. And Enjoy.  
  
Apprehension: Confessions  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Carter contemplated where to go. The events conspiring before his first trip had him staying clear of his grandmother's house. His father had made arrangements to take care of anything business like there until Carter could get things elsewhere straightened out. He couldn't go to Abby's. She was upset the first time he left, he knew that she would be more furious this time, especially since he didn't even say a word before going. She wouldn't have understood, then they would have fought, and then he would have left anyway. He wanted to bypass all that and just let her be mad. He returned quickly to the house to grab some essentials and decided to check into a hotel until he could find permanent housing. It was close to County so getting to work was going to be easy.  
  
As he stepped into the shower, he could almost feel everything washing away. He was renewed. The incidents with Gillian were only distant memories that would eventually come to haunt him but at the moment, he couldn't deal with. He rested his forehead on the shower glass and felt the warm water rush over his body and face. He couldn't remember how long he stood there but eventually the water turned cold and his foggy mind began to clear. He stared at his reflection in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, realizing but not completely admitting that this was his life and he was ruining one minute at a time. His self-destructive pattern was coming back, except this time he wasn't using drugs, and he wasn't necessarily hiding from anything. He just didn't want to face the truths that had haunted him for twenty years. The day his brother died was the day his life changed. He wasn't meant to be a man with normal problems like finding a date and paying for rent. He was meant to face terrible obstacles and face tough decisions and live with them forever.  
  
"Dr. Carter, welcome back," Gallant said.  
  
"Who'd your get in a fight with?" Pratt asked nodding to the slightly bruised eye and jaw, not to mention the healing cut from where the gun tore open his cheek. He was so accustomed to seeing the purple marks etched on his body that he didn't realize they weren't a permanent reminder of Africa, only a vague recollection.  
  
"A bottle of vodka," Carter said with a slight smile, catching Abby's glance as he rounded the corner of admit and leaned near Kerry. She nodded silently and he two of them walked into the lounge as everyone watched from behind.  
  
"What's wrong?" Kerry asked.  
  
He motioned for her to sit down. "You know I was in Africa." She nodded. "Do you know why?"  
  
"I guess I assumed that they were in need for doctors. I knew how passionate you were about those people when you came back. Is there another reason?"  
  
"Luka disappeared. He was taking care of a few critical patients in a different clinic and they were ambushed. One of the nurses called, so I took off. Luka needed help. I couldn't let him die. Everyone knows that Luka and I had our differences. I know how hard it is to explain why I did it."  
  
"So . . . two weeks later, what's the verdict?"  
  
"Not good. After some trouble, we found him and managed to get back to the original clinic. He was sick, he'd lost a lot of blood, and it came to a point when there was nothing we could do. It was my decision to move him to a real hospital where they specialized in these cases. Gillian had some contacts from work. I couldn't let him die, even though I knew the risks. He was taken off life support two days ago. The surgery went okay but he wasn't showing any signs of brain function. A team of doctors, including myself, made the decision when his condition only worsened with time."  
  
Carter ran his fingers through his hair and watched Kerry.  
  
"You did this alone?" she asked.  
  
"Not really. Gillian was with me." They were silent. "I've made some bad choices in the past, but I've really screwed up this time, Kerry. For months my life has been a complete mess."  
  
"If things were so bad why didn't you talk to someone?" she asked.  
  
"Like who? My loving girlfriend? Lately the only thing Abby cares about is her own life. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. If I had stayed in Africa with Luka, maybe he would still be alive."  
  
"Or your both could be dead. This ER can handle the loss of Luka, but you are the heart. If you left, things would crumble." He tore at a napkin. "What's going on with you?" she asked. It had been a long time since she had seen him this vulnerable and scared to be alive. If something was ever going wrong in his family, in his life, he never expressed it. It just wasn't like him to be so open about his troubles. Maybe because last time he expressed how desperate he was, they sent him off to get help.  
  
"I did something unforgivable."  
  
"What?"  
  
He couldn't even look at her. John Carter was an honest man. He did what he was told. He never broke the rules. Always faithful. "I cheated on Abby. I'm not that kind of person," he defended before she could say anything. "But recently, Abby hasn't been there. It's as if we're nonexistent. This woman, Gillian, we worked with in Africa. She was everywhere. She was with Luka, she was there for the shooting and the torture, and she was strong. She survived. Everyone has baggage. I'm not asking for someone who doesn't have a history. But she sat and listened to it all and she understood. She didn't offer up ways to fix my life or even suggestions. No one's ever done that before. But as hard as I try, I love Abby more everyday, imperfections and all. But Gillian, she's so different. I don't love her. Luka loved her. But she's the only person I have been able to be so open with and I wasn't scared that it would get thrown back in my face."  
  
Kerry could tell he was only skimming the surface.  
  
"Can I be honest with you?" He asked. She nodded. "Since the day I got back from Africa the first time, I can't stop thinking about how much easier life would be if I could have one more fix. How can I help a recovering alcoholic when I can't even help myself?"  
  
"When was your last meeting?" she asked.  
  
"I don't remember. It's just that everyday something else makes life difficult." He took a deep breath and without realizing it, grabbed his side.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know. I think I cracked a rib," he said, waving it off.  
  
"Did you get your bruises at the same time?"  
  
He rested his head in his hands and sighed.  
  
"Where are you staying?" she asked.  
  
"Hotel down the street."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I can't stay at my grandmother's house. It's too fresh."  
  
"Do you need a place to stay?"  
  
"Kerry," he started.  
  
"My basement is redone. Sandy and I could use some male influence." He smiled a little bit. She slid a key over to him. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes, but didn't respond. The door to the lounge opened and Susan and Abby walked in talking. They both stopped when they saw the two sitting silently.  
  
"Carter, I'm glad you're here. We could use your help," Susan said.  
  
"I'm not working," he told her looking up. He could see the slight shock pass over her face as she took in the bruising.  
  
"Susan, I need you to handle the ER for awhile," Kerry said standing up.  
"We're backing up and we're down three doctors."  
  
"I have something to take care of and then I'll help as soon as I can." She motioned for Carter and he silently grabbed the keys and followed her out.  
  
"What happened to him?" Susan asked.  
  
"I don't know and I don't really care. I haven't talked to him since he got back from Africa," Abby told her. 


	4. Wounded

Author's Note: I do not own any of the original ER characters that may come into play. I have added a few of my own, that you will meet. I would appreciate any feedback you have. Thank you.  
  
Apprehension: Wounded  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Let me get you into an exam room to run some tests," Kerry suggested to Carter as they walked back into the ER. The last thing he wanted was to be poked and prodded all over again.  
  
"I'm fine," he told her.  
  
"You could have punctured something. Let me at least do an ultrasound to make sure you're not bleeding."  
  
"You're persistent." She pulled a curtain around them, lifted his shirt and after squirting gel onto his abdomen, she placed the head on top.  
  
"No bleeding."  
  
"Is it a boy or a girl?" he joked.  
  
"You should have seen a doctor a long time ago."  
  
"I am a doctor. I saw myself. Besides, Luka was more important." He sat up and pulled his shirt down.  
  
"All I'm saying is that it's etched upon your face that you're in pain."  
  
He walked out of the room and she followed. His movements were hesitant and slow. Any doctor would recognize him as an injured man any day.  
  
"Here's the film you were waiting for," Abby said walking up. Kerry took it from her and Abby stood silently for a minute, hoping he would say something. He hardly even looked at her. He turned to see the light board where Kerry was not standing.  
  
"Looks like two on the left and two on the right. That's a lot." They both stared at the picture. "Do you see this?" she asked pointing out a hardly visible white line along the middle of his chest.  
  
He reached up and fingered his sternum gently.  
  
"Let me prescribe something," Kerry suggested. He reached up and turned off the light and took down the picture.  
  
"No," he said firmly.  
  
"You're in a lot of pain. It's obvious. You can barely reach up to turn off a light. You're going to be like this for awhile." She put the film away and turned to him.  
  
"I don't do pain killers. If I do, I lose my job. If I do, then I'm not working the program."  
  
"I would really appreciate it if you changed your mind, but I can't force you. I'm off at nine. My offer still stands."  
  
"Listen, I appreciate everything."  
  
"What are your thoughts on work?"  
  
"I promised Gillian to help with some sort of service. She's dealing with a lot and she needs someone."  
  
"I want you fully healed before you come back."  
  
"Yes, ma'am."  
  
"And I'll take care of the other news."  
  
"I'd appreciate that. They're sending Luka's body day after tomorrow. Funeral on Thursday and then he's being cremated and taken back to Croatia to be scattered."  
"I'll let them know."  
  
"Thanks Kerry," he said as he turned and walked out of the ambulance bay doors. He didn't get as far as he had hoped before he was ambushed. He had barely pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and was fishing out a lighter when she came up behind him.  
  
"Running away again?" she asked. He turned around slowly and took the cigarette out of his mouth.  
  
"No," he told her. It was silent for a few moments as he studied his shoes and she studied him.  
  
"Where've you been?"  
  
He shrugged which turned out to be a bad idea and he cringed, hoping she wouldn't notice.  
  
"Is this all I get now? One word responses?"  
  
"What do you want? A medal for waiting?" he asked frustrated. He didn't want to deal with this now.  
  
"I don't know. It would be nice to know if there was even a point. Where have you been lately? And I'm not talking physically. Your mind has been somewhere else."  
  
"I've been busy."  
  
"We all have. That's what working in a hospital is like. But that's not excuse for not calling, not even showing up. You took personal leave? I thought we'd worked things out. I figured you would have told me if something was wrong." He ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"It wasn't work related. It wasn't even family related. It was personal. And I didn't tell you because I knew you would argue with me." He couldn't wait any longer. He replaced the cigarette and lit it, inhaling deep.  
  
"Smoking again too?"  
  
"It makes the shit stop. I gotta go," he said turning and walking off, ignoring her pleas for him to stay and talk to her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Kerry was ready for this day to be over. After announcing Luka's untimely death, watching Abby's reaction and then recognition about the past weeks, she just wanted to crawl into her bed and disappear for a few days. The second Kerry mentioned Luka, Abby knew the real reason for Carter's disappearance and she almost felt guilty for the way she had behaved earlier in the day. As much as she loved Carter, she was having a hard time dealing with the fact that a man she loved in a different way, a man who had made her trust a little bit more, was gone from her life. Now all she wanted was answers.  
  
"Where is he?" Abby asked as Kerry closed her locker for the night.  
  
"Who?" Kerry asked back.  
  
"John. You know where he's at."  
  
"He doesn't want to see anyone."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"Luka's funeral is Thursday. You can see him there," Kerry pulled on her jacket.  
  
"He needs someone Kerry. He's dealing with this alone."  
  
"Actually, he's not dealing with it at all, which is my concern. But he needs space and he needs time. He's dealt with a lot during his trips to Africa. I hope you can grant him at least that. For now. If he really wanted to see someone, he'd call."  
  
Abby watched the woman leave. The one thing she didn't have time for was waiting. She knew John. She knew when he needed someone. He never admitted it when he did. The problem was, when he retreats into his shell further, bad things start happening. 


	5. Death

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show. There are a few coming up that I claim as mine.  
  
Apprehension: Death  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The following days he remained silent. Only talking when he thought it was necessary. He heard many reports from Kerry about Abby's search to find him. Kerry worried slightly at John's silence and lack of sleep. It wasn't like him to stay so silent and distracted under any circumstance. However, it only seemed like a matter of time before things returned to normal and he would return to being the person he used to be.  
  
"I'm going to take Gillian early. Make sure everything is okay," Carter said as she stepped into the kitchen where Kerry was finishing her coffee. "I think Gillian could use some time by herself." He slid on his suit jacket and straightened his tie as he waited for Gillian to walk upstairs.  
  
"Okay. We'll be following you shortly."  
  
"Just wait a little bit. I'm having a limo pick you up. I sent a couple others out."  
  
"John, you didn't have to do that," she tried to object.  
  
"It's for Luka. I'll see you soon." He took Gillian's hand and led her out of the house to the waiting limo.  
  
She stood silently by Luka's grave as Carter talked to the priest. Kerry may be worried about him, but he was worried about Gillian. She wasn't sleeping either and that worried him. Gillian was strong and independent and so much like him. He slowly walked up to her and whispered in her ear.  
  
"People are starting to show up," he said. She only nodded. She stayed close to his side as people came by to talk. She didn't know anyone, but she didn't care. She was here for Luka and here for John. No one else really mattered to her. She just wanted this week to be over so she would hopefully return to her own life.  
  
Abby stepped out of the limo with Susan and saw him standing in the distance, talking with Kerry and Sandy, his hand on the lower back of a woman she'd never seen before. He happened to glance over his shoulder and his eyes connected with hers, moments before he slid on a pair of sunglasses. He glanced at his watch and nodded to the priest.  
  
Abby couldn't help but watch him. There was no way to tell what he was feeling. His eyes were hidden, showing no signs of remorse. The funeral was short and sweet. No one spoke, but a silent period was taken to reflect on Luka. Abby looked over at Carter and found his hand tightly clasping the hand on the woman next to him. Who was she? Abby could feel the jealousy rising up in her stomach. The funeral ended and she found her big chance to finally talk to him. He was standing alone, as Deb walked off, his hands thrust deeply into his pockets.  
  
"Hey," she said softly. He looked at her. Or at least she thought he was looking at her.  
  
"Hi." If his face didn't show it, there was something in the sound of his voice that did.  
  
"I've been worried about you. Weaver refused to tell me where you were."  
  
"I'm fine. I just needed some space."  
  
"Space? John, you were in Africa for months and then suddenly you're taking leave and showing up with black eyes. Haven't you ha enough space?"  
  
"I'm not always about you, Abby. Other people have problems, too."  
  
"If things were so bad, you could have told me."  
  
"I tried but mother and brother came first," he said. He felt someone's hand on his back and stopped talking. Abby watched as the woman whispered unknown words into his ear. "Yeah," he said. He looked at Abby. "Thanks for coming. You meant a lot to Luka. I'm glad you had time for him."  
  
Carter turned and walked off with the mysterious woman.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Something about Kerry's message sparked fear in his stomach. He'd barely got out of the shower when the message pierced his ears. His only pair of clean clothes was a pair of faded jeans and his Africa shirt. He quickly slipped his feet into a pair of thongs, grabbed his sunglasses and keys and was out the door in less than five minutes.  
  
"Where's Kerry?" he asked as he walked into the ER.  
  
"Trauma one. What's wrong?" Susan asked. But he was already down the hall. He stopped just outside the doors when he saw Kerry talking to Deb. Both women stopped talking when they saw Carter.  
  
"John," Kerry started as he looked into the room and saw Gillian laying on the gurney, curled up in a ball.  
  
"What happened?" he asked.  
  
"She miscarried, John. I'm so sorry," Kerry said. Deb stood back and tried to read his emotion. He ran a hand over his face and through his hair.  
  
"Gillian was pregnant?" he whispered, slightly shocked.  
  
"She's been under a lot of stress. There's no way this could have been prevented," Kerry said, knowing what it was like to lose a baby.  
  
"It could have been. We didn't have to do this so soon. I didn't watch out for her," he said.  
  
"She didn't know she was pregnant until today," Kerry told him.  
  
"If he didn't have me before, he's going to now that he's dead," Carter said.  
  
"Luka won't blame you. He didn't even know. She's hardly three weeks," Deb said.  
  
Carter looked sharply at her. "What?" he asked.  
  
"She wasn't very far. If Luka was missing for awhile he wouldn't know."  
  
"John," Kerry started but he waved her off.  
  
"I need a minute," he said as he walked into the darkened suture room only to be greeted by another surprise.  
  
Abby was sitting on a gurney, her scrub top off, her lips locked to the face of a man whose hands were nowhere to be seen.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: I appreciate the feedback. However, I would ask you to keep an open mind when reading this story. I like to flirt with the impossible by bring back former characters and issues that not many people would like. I understand that everyone likes Carter with different women. I love him with Abby. I would appreciate it if you would take into consideration that not every author would write what you want. Any feedback I take into consideration, but just because I'm writing it my way doesn't mean you have to beat me up about it. Thanks. 


	6. Dismissal

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show. There are a few coming up that I claim as mine.  
  
Apprehension: Dismissal  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The door swung shut and the two bodies entangled together froze. Carter's eyes connected with Abby's and she saw the hollowness inside.  
  
"John," she started as she pulled on her top and adjusted the rest of her clothing, before climbing down from the bed.  
  
"Don't stop on my account. This is just great," he said softly before walking out.  
Kerry watched him storm away seconds before Abby walked out. Abby looked at the woman, ashamed of her actions whether anyone else knew or not. What he just witnessed affected their reconciliation. She knew he wasn't working. She knew he hasn't been around. There was no sign that he would show up at that time and catch her in the destructive pattern she was falling into.  
  
It only took Kerry a couple of trips to find him. She had attempted to search his normal places of isolation to find them empty. Finally she traveled upstairs to find him staring into the glass of the nursery.  
  
"What are you going?" she asked as she approached him. He didn't move as she took up a spot next to him and followed his gaze.  
  
"I have no idea. Torturing myself. I'm beginning to think I'm never going to have a happy ending. I've never had a long-term relationship; except with Abby, but that's completely blown now. Every woman I have ever trusted has betrayed me. Do I have a sign around my neck that says STAY AWAY?"  
  
"John, nothing is your fault. Things have just been tough. No one can predict his or her future. You just have to survive the obstacles before you get to truly live."  
  
"I don't know how much more I can survive. That was my baby, Kerry. And I didn't even get a chance to enjoy it before someone took it away from me. I know I shouldn't be upset and the more I think about it, I realize how selfish I'm being. I walked in on Abby screwing another guy and I did the same thing to her. That's exactly what she's going to tell me. That I have no right to be upset. But it hurts more to know that she didn't believe in our relationship either. Gillian and I were never meant to be together. We're complete opposites. I'm attracted to her, but that was it. I could never love her like I love Abby. And that's what's so bad. I thought she had more faith in m, or maybe I idealized her more than she deserved."  
  
"John, I know you have all theses thoughts and no idea where they place. But I think, right now, you need to concentrate on yourself and Gillian. She needs you."  
  
He nodded and walked off, leaving Kerry alone. He pulled up a stool next to Gillian once he reached the ER and rested his chin on the bed, intertwining his fingers with hers. Her other hand tangled in his hair.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I should have been here." Like always, she didn't respond.  
  
"Have you see Carter?" Abby asked Pratt as she walked up to admit.  
  
"Try trauma one," he said. Abby walked over and was about to open the door when she saw him with that woman. There was something surreal about the moment and she suddenly couldn't bring herself to open the door. She could see the emotion seeping through as he looked at the woman. She felt guilty because she was mainly to blame.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A few weeks later Abby couldn't stand no knowing about him. She was becoming so desperate that she rode the El to Kerry's house and finally got the nerve to knock on the door. She really needed to find him.  
  
"Hi," Sandy said as she opened the door.  
  
"Hi," Abby said, feeling slightly awkward with this woman she didn't know. "Is Dr. Weaver here?"  
  
"No. She just left for her shift."  
  
"Oh. I know this is sort of a ballpark question, but do you know where John Carter is?"  
  
Sandy stood silently for a moment before opening the door wider and letting Abby in.  
  
"Who was it?" Carter asked quietly as Sandy walked back in. She stepped aside and Abby walked in. He was sitting in a chair, the TV turned to a gentle murmur, with a beer at his side and medical journals in his lap. He slowly closed the book when he saw her.  
  
"I'm going to go to bed," Sandy said.  
  
"Night," he said sitting up fully and putting the books aside. Abby stood motionless. "Why are you here?" he asked turning off the TV.  
  
"I wanted to see you. Explain to you," she said.  
  
"I don't need an explanation."  
  
"I know you're mad."  
  
"I'm not mad at you. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for not seeing that things were going wrong even before Africa."  
  
"None of this is your fault. When you pushed me away, I could have come after you. But I didn't. Instead I went out with Susan and Deb, got too drunk and did something I'll never forgive myself for. I knew it was over at that moment. I didn't want to let you go though."  
  
"So the other day wasn't your first time?"  
  
"His name is Trent. He's the new pedes attending."  
  
"That's wonderful," he said. "I'm happy you've found someone."  
  
"That's not what I meant," she argued.  
  
"You should go."  
  
"Are you coming back to work?" she asked.  
  
"Eventually." He walked over to the door and opened it. "I need to get some stuff done before tomorrow."  
  
"John, please don't push me away."  
  
"We both screwed up. It's time to move on. Good things come to those who wait, right?"  
  
"Fine. If you want it this way, fine. You live your secluded life with Kerry. Give up on us."  
  
"Apparently you gave up a long time ago," he said before shutting the door, officially shutting her out forever.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Thanks for continuing to read. The next chapters are the "different" chapters. This is where conflicting views come in and I would appreciate feedback on what you think. Thanks. 


	7. GoodBye

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show. There are a few coming up that I claim as mine.  
  
Apprehension: Good-Bye  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The County ER had suffered a lot of heartache and disaster through the years. Many of the doctors who became part of the family had moved on in one way or another. Very few remained for a long period of time. It was almost like a stopping ground, a place to learn and then move on when you were ready. So it shocked the entire staff when the next fax came in.  
  
"Kerry, here's a fax for you," Jerry said.  
  
"You know where my box is."  
  
"It's from Dr. Carter. It says URGENT." Kerry took the fax from him and flipped the page, reading silently.  
  
A week ago he had moved out of her house and back into his grandmother's house. His father was pressuring him for more support and he didn't have the resources he needed. He was set to return to work the following Monday as long as his chest film came back healthy. Kerry didn't want him at risk for injury when he was still vulnerable. Even though he never made her house nosy, being that he was so quiet already, she could already feel a difference now that he was gone. It was the same thing she felt when he left the first time.  
  
Kerry stared at the paper in her hand, ignoring the curious glances.  
  
"Jerry. Page everyone in the ER who's working today. Tell them we're having a quick meeting at admit in five minutes, unless a trauma comes in." Kerry disappeared into the lounge and picked up the phone, quickly dialing Carter's cell phone. She got no answer. Her next call was made to the office in his house.  
  
"John Carter," he said, picking up the phone, all the while typing on his computer.  
  
"John, it's Kerry."  
  
"Hi," he said, as his fingers stilled and he rubbed the back of his neck.  
  
"What's going on?" She asked. She wanted to be able to tell the staff something tangible.  
  
People started getting antsy as they stood around waiting for Weaver. The longer they stood around, the more they got backed up.  
  
"How long do we have to wait for her to show up for the meeting she called?" Susan asked Abby as they both looked over charts as they stood around.  
  
"It better be good. My day was going smooth. Now I'm going to be completely backed up," Abby complained.  
  
"She got a fax from Carter, I heard," Chuny said.  
  
"When?" Abby asked.  
  
"Ten minutes ago. I heard her on the phone in the lounge when I got my coffee," Malik said.  
  
The lounge door opened and Kerry walked out and over to them.  
  
"What's going on?" Deb asked.  
  
"I've been notified of some information that is coming at an inconvenient time. Many of you realize that since the loss of Luka we've been shorthanded and I appreciate your efforts to work with us in finding a replacement. I'm going to ask again that you be patient through this process. I know I can't give you many of your days off. We are avidly searching for some replacements. A foundation has donated a sizable amount to help the ER out, including a little bit of help to find the perfect doctors to join our family."  
  
"Doctors? Plural? We can afford to hire more than one new doctor but we can't afford the vacation pay we're owed?" Pratt asked.  
  
"Everything will be evened out in time. And if you argue with me then you won't get the difference."  
  
"Why doctors? We just hired Trent and the only doctor gone is Luka," Susan said.  
"I just received news today that John Carter has resigned from his position," Kerry announced. A whisper went through the crowd.  
  
"Why?" Abby asked.  
  
"He wasn't very clear but apparently he has some family issues to deal with that aren't about to be resolved any time soon. He had a hard time making the decision but he requested that I pass the message along. He really admired you as doctors and nurses. Now, get back to work. We're piled up enough," Kerry said, relieved it was finally over.  
  
"Kerry, is John still staying with you?" Susan asked.  
  
"No. He moved out. I'd appreciate your help in keeping this place under control."  
  
"Sure, Kerry. No problem," Susan said walking off.  
  
Abby couldn't believe it. He had pushed her away and now he was pushing everyone else away. The last thing she wanted to do was irritate him more, but she had a growing problem of her own that wasn't about to disappear.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Please continue to read and review. I'm not sure how many chapters I'm going to do but I'm fond of adding conflict and flirting with disaster. So I will continue until I am satisfied. 


	8. One Year Later

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original characters, however I did make up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: One Year Later  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
One year and no one spoke a word about him. No one bothered to let her know if they spoke to him, if he was okay or if he was suffering terribly on his own. Abby could tell that Susan knew by the way she acted in given situations. Carter's name was mentioned on limited occasions, mainly in private conversations that are attempted to be held without the presence of Abby. Things had changed considerably. All their lives have changed in some way. It was a shame that Carter wasn't around to share in their joy, but apparently no one knew how to contact him.  
  
"I say we all go out," Susan suggested to Deb and Abby asked the walked up to admit where they were both standing around bored in the empty emergency room.  
  
"What's the special occasion?" Abby asked as she flipped the page in her magazine.  
  
"Deb's engagement. We haven't gone out in forever, anyways. Ever since the stuff with Trent," Susan said hesitantly.  
  
"Teaches me to trust any man again," Abby said closing the magazine.  
  
"This is why we have to go out and find you someone who you don't have to trust too much. Shadow Room. We all deserve a night out."  
  
"Fine, but only because I don't want to go home. Just keep the male strippers away from me," Abby said.  
  
"That's my girl. Let's finished up here. Meet outside at eight," Susan told them before finishing off her last patients.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Who's buying?" Dave asked as the group of guys sat down at a table. Dave Malucci, former County employee now working along side Carter. The two had become good friends over the past year, which was quite shocking considering their past together. But, here they were, years later, sharing drinks with colleagues and swapping horror stories about dates.  
  
"I'll buy. But only because it's Dave's birthday," Carter said as he walked to the bar to start a tab. He came back with a tray full of beers. "Okay. A toast. To Dave, for being a good doctor, for being a good father, for being a good man, and for being a good friend."  
  
"Here, here," all the gentlemen said raising their glasses.  
  
"So, horror stories," Andrew, a fellow friend, colleague and Carter's roommate, asked.  
  
"I never do anything wrong," Dave pointed out.  
  
"Wrong isn't the right word. You unscrewed a screw from a guy's leg, without pain meds," Carter stated before completely emptying his glass.  
  
"I was obeying his wishes."  
  
"Right." The men continued drinking and around nine, after Carter had probably had too many to even walk straight, his attention drew away from his friends. He gently nudged Dave. "Want to make some money?"  
  
"You name it."  
  
"Table near the bar." Dave followed Carter's eyes. Dave smiled.  
  
"What do you have in mind?"  
  
"Gentlemen, care to make a wager?" Carter asked.  
  
"What are we talking about?" Dennis, another colleague asked.  
  
"One hundred dollars, says I can numbers from all three pretty ladies at the table near the bar, without even working," Carter said.  
  
"Deal."  
  
Carter waved over the waitress as he scrawled a note on a napkin and handed it to her.  
  
"Two of your most alcoholic induced drinks with umbrellas for the blonde and the short haired brunette. And a Shirley Temple for the one with long dark hair."  
  
The waitress nodded.  
  
"Shirley Temple? Is this a joke?" Andrew asked. They watched as the drinks were handed to the ladies and the waitress talked to them. When the three women turned to look he raised his beer with a smile.  
  
"Take notes," Carter said as the waitress walked back over. She handed him a napkin.  
  
"From the ladies."  
  
He opened it and smiled.  
  
"Wish me luck," he said as he grabbed his beer and walked over toward them. He leaned past the blonde, setting his drink next to hers and resting his hands on the back of her chair before bending down, his breath hot in her ear. "I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours?" he whispered.  
  
"John Carter, have you been drinking?" Susan asked with a smile. Deb just watched, glancing to the direction in which he came and Dave sitting with a bunch of other guys. Abby didn't say a word. She barely looked up from her glass of water when he walked up. The only thing she wanted to do was study his face and read his mind. But she couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes when she knew he was looking right at her.  
  
"Indulge me please." He stood up fully and glanced at the guys. "I'll let you in on a percentage."  
  
"How much?"  
  
"We can discuss it later." He smiled at her as she handed out a napkin. "Hey, pretty lady," he said looking at Deb. "Wait, something's different. Is that a rock on your hand?" he asked. "If you weren't planning on inviting me . . ." he started.  
  
"Calm down. We haven't even set a date," Deb said.  
  
"Then I guess getting your number is out of the question?"  
  
"Can you handle Greg?"  
  
"The question is, can he handle me?" he asked. He kissed her cheek when she handed it to him. He rested his hands on the two opposite chairs and looked at Abby, her downcast eyes forced away from his. "What do you think I have to do to get her number?" he asked Susan.  
  
"This is not my game," she said.  
  
"How's your drink?" he asked, waiting and praying for some sort of response out of her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: I've appreciated the feedback. Please give me more. I've been having second thoughts about how I want this to end, although there's still some to go. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks. 


	9. New Loves?

Disclaimer: I do not own the original characters, however I have a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: New Loves?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Abby finally looked at him, her eyes revealing everything. However, she had a hard time figuring out what he was doing or how he was feeling. "Not interested," she finally said, crossing her arms and looking back down at her drink.  
  
"Wow, hostile. Oh, right. I remember now. You don't like me. Oh, well. I'll make something up." He grabbed his beer, tipped it to the ladies and started his walk back to his own table.  
  
"So," Dennis asked.  
  
"So, the blonde is a sure thing. I could wrap her up and take her home. The short haired one is engaged but I got her number."  
  
"And the other one?" Andrew asked.  
  
"Be my guest. Apparently she doesn't like guys buying her drinks."  
  
"Hey, watch out," Dave said as Susan started to make her way over.  
  
"Hey handsome," she said.  
  
"Forget something?" he asked casually looking up at her.  
  
"Maybe," she said surprising both of them slightly by kissing him. While Deb and Dave started laughing, Abby and the other guys sat shocked. Susan pulled back with a smile. "Busy tonight?" she asked.  
  
"Not anymore." She grabbed his jacket lapels and disappeared into the crowd.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"She's going to hate me tomorrow," Susan said as they left the diner around two.  
  
"Forget about her. If she wants to act like I killed her dog, then let her. But we're not together and so she can't control who I do anything with."  
  
"What exactly happened?" Susan asked.  
  
"Life happened. I don't remember anymore."  
  
"We miss you at County," Susan confessed.  
  
"Hey, I may come back. I'm just doing other things."  
  
"Like?"  
  
"Like work. If I told you, I'd have to kill you." They slowly approached her apartment building and stood awkwardly out from like a couple teenagers.  
  
"Want to come up?" she asked taking a step up and reaching into her bag for a key.  
  
"Is that an invitation?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Hey there Cassanova," Dave said as Carter opened the door to the studio apartment and tossed his coat onto the nearest chair.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Carter asked as he stepped into the loft he shared with Andrew.  
  
"I crashed in your room since you never showed up."  
  
"What can I say?"  
  
"Nothing. But your cover's blown."  
  
"Meaning?" Carter asked.  
  
"Abby told Andrew that it was a set up."  
  
"Abby? What's she doing with Andrew?" Carter asked as he started up the stairs.  
  
"Not that it's any of my business and I don't want to hurt you or anything. She spent the night here, last night." He didn't get a response for a few moments.  
  
"Who cares? The money went to buying you jokers beer last night." Carter leaned over the ledge. "I'm going to bed."  
  
"No work?"  
  
"I'm getting ready to leave for South America."  
  
"Fun stuff. I'll see you later." Carter watched Dave disappear out the front door before climbing into bed.  
  
He woke up really refreshed only a few hours later, realizing that Andrew would be coming back soon and he wouldn't get his chance to shower and get out to finish business if his roommate took up all the space. He pulled on a pair of sweats and walked downstairs. He flipped on the flat screen TV mounted on the wall and walked to the fridge, opening the door and pulling out a water bottle. He then reached up and pulled himself onto the metal edge of his loft, beginning to do pull ups. He was in his own world, his mind wandering to everything that had happened to him in the past couple years. Mainly all his thoughts focused on Abby and how he might be able to go back in time and change everything. But something in her actions told him that she could care less if he was ever involved in her life again. By this time, he knew he was over exerting himself, but it felt good as his adrenaline kicked in. His eyes were fixed on the basketball game when he heard the door close.  
  
"Hey, you're dripping sweat on my floor," Andrew called.  
  
Expertly Carter flipped around and came face to face with Abby, standing in the middle of the den.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Please continue reading. I'm still looking for the perfect ending. Although I love Carby, I'm not sure if I'm going to go that way. I enjoy exploring Carter and various aspects of his life. 


	10. Rubbing Sticks and Stones Together

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original characters, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: Rubbing Sticks and Stones Together  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Carter pulled himself up again on the bars and looked at the two. "What are you going to do about it?" he asked as he finally dropped to the floor and picked up his water bottle.  
  
"I want my money back."  
  
"Too bad. I bought you beer." He glanced at Abby before turning off the TV. "Where are you guys going?" he asked.  
  
"No where. I invited Abby over here for dinner and a movie."  
  
"I will be out of your hair. I promise."  
  
"It's your place too."  
  
"I need to run to the office and make sure everything's taken care of."  
  
"Hey, did you get in a fight with a cat?" Andrew asked motioning to the miscellaneous scratches on his skin.  
  
"Sure," Carter said as he disappeared down the hall.  
  
"When did you get home?"  
  
"A few hours ago," he called before the bathroom door shut.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Abby stepped out of Andrew's bathroom the following morning and heard Carter on the phone.  
  
"No, we've already approved the check and bond." She watched him pacing upstairs. "I don't care. Call my father. One way or the other the clinic is going to be built." He hung up the phone and saw Abby standing in the kitchen. He slowly walked down the stairs and set his bag on the floor. The phone rang and he quickly picked it up.  
  
"Hello? Hold on." He handed the phone out to her. "For you." He set it on the counter and then walked around to pour a cup of coffee. A moment later, as he was watching something on TV, she hung up.  
  
"John?" she asked hesitantly. He remained motionless, occasionally taking a drink of his coffee. "John?"  
  
"Yeah." He still didn't turn around.  
  
"Andrew got caught at work. My shift starts in half an hour. Can you drop me off?"  
  
"Sure." He switched off the TV, grabbed the two bags by the stairs and opened the door.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"No problem."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"So, how was the date?" Susan asked.  
  
"Good. Andrew's a nice guy," Abby told her filling out another chart.  
  
"Good."  
  
"Bet you'll never guess who his roommate is." Susan didn't say anything. "Carter."  
  
"Seriously? How's that working?"  
  
"Fine, considering he's still holding some grudge."  
  
"It doesn't have to do with you," Susan told her.  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Because we had a long talk about the past year and before that and your name was never mentioned. I know him, Abby. He doesn't lie and he doesn't let things eat at him too long."  
  
"I still think you're wrong."  
  
"Is it weird to be sleeping with someone else while under his roof?" Susan asked.  
"I don't know. Is it weird to be screwing someone who's like your little brother?" Abby asked as she walked off with a smile.  
  
"It's not what you think," Susan called after her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A few weeks past and Carter was a no show everywhere. Things with Andrew heated up and Abby divulged her deepest secret to him. However, he had no idea the relationship she had with Carter and to what intensity. She almost hoped it never came to that. Then one day after work, Abby stopped by to find Carter and Dave sitting in the living room playing video games. There was a little girl playing with Carter's hair and that's what scared her the most. He really had moved on.  
  
"Hey, you guys did the dishes," Andrew said above the noise. No one answered him. He leaned over and gently kissed Abby. "I was thinking, maybe we could invite your family over the dinner," Andrew suggested to her. Abby stole a glance to Carter but he didn't give any indication that he was paying attention.  
  
"Not a good idea. They are literally crazy."  
  
"What about . . ." he stopped when she shook her head. "I just thought it would be nice."  
  
"Listen, I'm just not read for the rest of the world to know. There are a limited number of people who do and I kind of like having a secret."  
  
"Okay." He kissed her forehead.  
  
"Hey Abby. You think you could grace us with a song?" Dave asked.  
  
"No," Abby replied quickly.  
  
"Please. I picked out a special one." The volume slowly increased on the stereo as "Afternoon Delight" began playing.  
  
"Turn it off," she demanded, fully aware that Carter was smiling with his back turned.  
  
"Come on. Isn't it your favorite song?" Dave asked.  
  
"Rubbing sticks and stones together make the sparks ignite," Carter said in a singsong voice.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Bare with me. I'm still flirting with Abby and Carter's feelings for each other. More obstacles to come. Thanks for reading and reviewing. 


	11. History

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: History  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Abby just stared at the back of his head, not sure what her reaction should be.  
  
"You're insufferable," she said as the volume slowly faded.  
  
"I have to go to work," Dave said.  
  
"Bye, bye," the littler girl said.  
  
"Bye," Dave said before walking out.  
  
"Okay, play my turn," Carter said handing the control to the girl and disappearing into the bathroom. Abby walked over to the couch and sat down next to the girl.  
  
"What's your name" she asked.  
  
"Ashley. What's your name?"  
  
"Abby."  
  
"I know you. My dad and Scooter talk about you all the time."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, but I'm not suppose to say anything." The girl looked back at the game as if she hadn't said a word.  
  
"Okay squirt. Let's go while the coast is clear," Carter said as he walked back out.  
  
"You took out your hair," she objected climbing over the couch. He picked Ashley up and slung her over his shoulder.  
  
"Where are we going?" he asked.  
  
"Ice cream first, and then to the new toy story, and then to lunch, and then can we visit Gillian. I think she's sad." Abby noticed Carter glance in her direction slightly as he grabbed his keys.  
  
"Gillian's really busy."  
  
"Fine, but we have to visit your work."  
  
"I'm sure we can do that."  
  
"Can I feed Fido?"  
  
"I'm sure it can be arranged." He grabbed his keys and sunglasses and headed to the door. "See you kids later."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I thought you were gone all day," Abby said when she freely walked into the apartment to find Carter standing at the counter braiding Ashley's hair.  
  
"Nope." He watched Abby open the door to the fridge and scan the contents. "So, now you live here?" he asked.  
  
"No. Why?"  
  
"Just wondering because you just walked in. No knocking."  
  
"I went to empty the trash and ran into your neighbor."  
  
"Wonderful," he said sarcastically.  
  
"What is wrong with you?" she asked closing the fridge. He didn't answer as he finished braiding Ashley's hair.  
  
"Okay. Go watch TV for a few minutes." She climbed off the stool and walked over to the living room, turning on the TV. After a minute of watching her, Carter turned back to Abby. "I don't have a problem. I have a life. So do not come into my house and question me. I have been honest with you from the beginning."  
  
"Really? Because I don't consider you disappearing honest. You didn't even have the courtesy to tell me. You stopped talking."  
  
"Like any of it would have mattered. You still went and screwed another guy."  
  
"John, you admitted you were fine."  
  
"And I am. I'm over it. I'm over you. Now it's your turn."  
  
"Well, I'm glad you're over me. It makes me feel so good."  
  
"I'm not here to make you feel good. I'm not here to please you, comfort you, kiss you, keep you warm." The door opened and Dave walked in. He walked past the tension of the two and over to the couch. "I don't care what you're doing, or who you're doing. But as far as I'm concerned, you can keep me out. If you want to move in with Andrew, by all means. If you want to marry him, have kids, get a dog. I don't care."  
  
She didn't know what to say so she stood frozen.  
  
"Thanks," Dave said as he picked up the pink backpack sitting on the floor.  
  
"Anytime. We have so much fun going to cars."  
  
"Not funny," Dave said.  
  
"Bye squirt."  
  
"Bye Scooter. Bye Abby."  
  
Abby looked at Carter, slightly shocked, yet somehow words didn't come easy. "Dave's kid?"  
  
"Yes. Ashley is Dave's daughter. Don't you work?" he asked as he walked upstairs.  
  
"Don't you?" she asked.  
  
"What do you think I've been doing for two weeks? On a cruise?"  
  
"I really have no idea. No one does. You're secretive. You're distant. You disappear."  
  
"Why are you suddenly worried about me?" he asked leaning over the edge.  
  
"You're my friend. I care about you."  
  
"You're not trying hard enough. You don't make the effort."  
  
"Make the effort? I tried. Weaver wouldn't let me near you. No one would tell me how to reach you."  
  
"So you gave up? You really think I would break contact with everyone who means something to me? Did you even ask Susan or Deb or Gallant?"  
  
"No one said anything."  
  
"Right. And I'm glad. Because I couldn't have handled this conversation a year ago. If you saw me shooting up again would you just let it pass?"  
  
"No," she whispered.  
  
"What?" he asked louder.  
  
"No," she yelled as the front door opened and Andrew stepped in.  
  
"You didn't try because you already gave up. You got it into your head that because Luka called and I left, that he meant more to me."  
  
"What's going on?" Andrew asked. Abby looked down, forcing the tears that threatened to stand down. She couldn't let him know that he was on target with what he was saying. She had thought he was gone forever. She gave up the second he walked off into the night because he didn't give any indication that he ever wanted to come back.  
  
"I have a shift," Abby said quickly kissing Andrew and disappearing out the still open door.  
  
"Something wrong?" Andrew asked.  
  
"No," Carter said mentally punishing himself for getting in this deep again. He'd tried so hard to push Abby out of his mind but when she was living in his house half the time, it was hard not to show some sort of emotion.  
  
"What were you two talking about?" he asked.  
  
"History."  
  
"I wasn't aware you two had any history."  
  
"And I'm not surprised. Long story short, Abby was my best friend at County and I broke her heart."  
  
"Meaning?"  
  
"I left her behind to deal with her problems alone, because I couldn't handle both of ours. She's still pissed off about it, I think."  
  
"I didn't know you two knew each other that well."  
  
"Not my favorite conversation. Listen, I'm going to work for awhile."  
  
"If you need anything, let me know. I realize that I don't know enough about the situation but you're my friend and no matter what, you come before any girl."  
  
"Thanks. Everything will be fine. I just need some space and a few drinks," Carter said with a smile before he walked downstairs and let the door slam shut.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Thanks for all the feedback. Once again, I'm still searching for the perfect ending. It only gets worse before it gets any better. 


	12. Unexpected Guest

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: Unexpected Guest  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Hey beautiful," Andrew said as he and Carter walked into the ER a couple of days later. Abby turned around and smiled at Andrew.  
  
"You're early."  
  
"Is Susan here?" Carter interrupted. Abby looked at him.  
  
"Lounge."  
  
"Guess again," Susan said as she walked up.  
  
"I need to talk to you," he said.  
  
"Talk or talk?" she asked with a wink.  
  
"You're cute." They slowly walked down the hall. Abby watched as Susan opened the door and they walked in.  
  
"Do you miss him?" Andrew asked, being rewarded with an interesting look from Abby. She was shocked, slightly. What was he actually talking about? Carter as her lover? Carter as her best friend?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"How'd you do this?" Susan asked.  
  
"Cut myself shaving," he responded as she squeezed ointment onto his burned hand.  
  
"It looks like mostly second degree burns, possibly third degree in a couple small areas."  
  
"I am still a doctor," he told her.  
  
"Really? Because I was under the impression that you were carting around on cruises to keep your tan."  
  
"Doctors Without Boarders. I just got back from South America."  
  
"They keep you busy?"  
  
"More or less. I'm forced to provide my services at many different places. I do occasional shift work at Northwestern in the ER. I do some paramedic ridealongs. Most recently I've been helping out at some of the firehouses. With the heat burning the place up I took some quick courses and I'm on call when they need me."  
  
"That would explain the burns."  
  
"I like to live on the edge. There was a little girl trapped behind a burning door and I opened it with my bare hand."  
  
"Sounds like the risk taker I know. Being a fire fighter isn't exactly what I picture you doing."  
  
"I realized that unless I came out of my shell, expanded my horizons and made sure that being a doctor was what I really wanted, then I wouldn't be able to realize the ways of the world. I mean, I've spent so many years now wondering what Abby thought that I haven't even thought about what I wanted."  
  
"So that's what you're doing?"  
  
"Sure. I like life right now. I have choices. I have options. I have work and life completely separate. And nothing is holding me back."  
  
"Except these burns."  
  
"Right." He was silent as he watched her bandage his hand. "Thanks for this."  
"No problem," she said with a smile.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"What'd you say to him?" Abby yelled, slamming the door to the apartment. "Carter?"  
  
"What?" he grumbled.  
  
"What did you say to Andrew?"  
  
Carter appeared over the railing, his hair messed up and clad only in boxers. "I don't know what you're talking about." He rubbed his face, causing Abby to notice the gauze wrapped around his hand. She'd get to that later, if she remembered.  
  
"What did you say to Andrew about us?"  
  
"Why? Does it scare you to know he may know everything?"  
  
"Answer the question."  
  
"I told him you were the best lay I've had since high school. What do you think I told him?" he asked.  
  
"I'm serious."  
  
"So am I. Why are you so worried? If you like this guy then be honest with him. Maybe fifth times the charm."  
  
"I'm just scared that once he finds out he'll run. What did you say?" she begged.  
  
"I told him you were my best friend but you got pissed when I left and we haven't talked since. Which is the truth. Did it hurt?" he disappeared back inside his room.  
  
Abby couldn't handle it. He wasn't going to get away with just that. They needed to get this all worked out right now. She walked up the stairs and found him lying on his mattress, a sheet only to his waist.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Can't you go somewhere else? I'm trying to sleep."  
  
"Why did you tell him that?"  
  
"Why do you care?" He still lay on his stomach, practically ignoring her, until the doorbell pierced their ears. He groaned and reached for a pillow to cover his head. "Get the door please so I can get dressed."  
  
"Since you asked so nicely," she said sarcastically.  
  
"I'm never going to sleep again," he said, frustrated as he threw off the covers and Abby retreated downstairs.  
  
"Be nice to whoever's at the door. Remember, you don't live here," he called pulling on a pair of sweats.  
  
"I hate you," she yelled back as she pulled open the door and felt all the wind escape from her.  
  
"Hi," the woman said, her blond hair cascading over her shoulders as she shifted her bag to the opposite hand. "Is Carter here?" she asked.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Now comes the time to decide how much I want to get into the triangle situation. Let me know what you think. 


	13. Returning

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: Returning  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
They weren't together, so why was she so jealous and nervous to find out what this woman really wanted and why she was coming to Carter's house unexpectedly like she wasn't quite sure of herself. The woman stood frozen, like she knew she'd interrupted something, and she almost changed her mind and turned to leave but the woman at the door opened it more fully.  
  
"It's for you," Abby yelled leaving the door wide open and walking into the kitchen.  
  
"Don't yell," he called.  
  
"What? Drink too much again."  
  
"I've had enough of you." He appeared at the top of the stairs, pulling on a shirt. "What don't you go to your own apartment?"  
  
"Hi Scooter." His eyes shot away from Abby and landed on her. For the first time Abby could see every emotion pass across his eyes. It was interesting because his face didn't show a thing, but his eyes turned three different shades before turning hard and unemotional again.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked. She brushed the hair out of her eyes and glanced to Abby. He followed her gaze before sighing. "Can you disappear?" he asked Abby.  
  
"Is that a request or a demand?" she asked.  
  
"Please leave," he emphasized.  
  
Abby grabbed her bag and left finally.  
  
"You're not nice," the other woman said.  
  
"Forget about her. What's wrong, Anna?" he asked walking down the stairs.  
  
"Why do you think something's wrong?" she asked. He reached out and gently touched her cheek where the black and blue bruising was still evident no matter how much makeup she put on. She winced. Then he took the bag out of her hand and let her to the couch.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
For a good two hours they talked about their lives, their mistakes since they had parted and their future intentions. He confessed about the stabbing, Lucy, rehab, Abby, Africa, and how he still felt the quilt every time he woke up when he realized how he'd argued with her about Max's drug problem and then went and betrayed everything he believed in by sinking deeper into despair. She told him about her almost wedding to Max, his relapse and his abuse, that resulted in the miscarriage of her first baby, conceived by rape. He felt so torn about everything, yet Anna understood as everything he'd felt for the past few years flowed out of his mouth like a waterfall. He sat with his head bowed, resting in one hand, as the other lay clasped between Anna's clammy palms.  
  
Then the door opened and Andrew walked in with Abby, laughing and joking about something they had just witness.  
  
"Hey, you'll never guess what happened when we were shopping for dinner," Andrew said, tossing his keys onto the counter as Abby placed the bags next to them. When they didn't get a response they both looked over to the couch where Carter and Anna were both trying to hide any signs of tears. "What's going on?" Andrew asked.  
  
Carter slowly stood up, leaned over and whispered in Anna's ear before kissing her temple and walking over to Andrew and Abby.  
  
"Listen, about earlier . . ." he started.  
  
"Forget about it," Abby waved it off.  
  
"Thanks. Anna's going to crash here for a few days, until she can find a decent apartment. Without bugs," he said with a smile, which he knew was making her smile.  
  
"That's fine. Who's Anna, though?" Andrew asked.  
  
"I am," she said appearing at Carter's side. "You must be the roommate." Andrew shook her hand. "And you're Abby?" Anna asked.  
  
"Yeah." Anna only nodded. If Andrew didn't notice the slight tension in the room, there was something seriously wrong with the man.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Well, look at you, handsome ma," Susan said as she saw Carter walk out of the elevators.  
  
"I'm ready to change," he complained pulling at his tie. "It's been ages since I had to wear one of these things."  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked.  
  
"Romano offered me a faculty position."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What'd you say?" she asked.  
  
"Why? Worried I'll steal your spotlight?" he asked.  
  
"No, I just don't want to mix business with pleasure."  
  
"Trust me. I won't let it get in my way," he said with a wink as they approached admit where Abby was talking to other nurses.  
  
"So, you took the job?"  
  
"Of course. I had to pull a couple more figures out of him by letting it slip that Northwestern offered me chief of emergency medicine."  
  
"And you chose this place over chief?"  
  
"I miss it here," he said, as he saw Abby start to approach.  
  
"When do you start?" she asked.  
  
"Tomorrow. We've been in talks for awhile so my schedule is clear."  
  
"What about the exotic vacations? The spotted dog? Rescuing people in distress?"  
  
"You do what you have to do. Exotic vacations will continue because I have a commitment and I told Romano that. Surprisingly, he agreed."  
  
"Well, I insist on a celebratory drink tonight."  
  
"And I will take you up on that." Carter looked at Abby. "Did you need something?" he asked.  
  
"Anna find a place?"  
  
"Yeah. Why are you so interested?"  
  
"Why are you so hostile?"  
  
"Jealous?" he asked as she started to walk off.  
  
"Bite me," Abby called.  
  
"I'm off in five minutes if you want to hang around."  
  
"I'm on it," Carter said before taking his eyes off Abby walking into the lounge.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Can you tell I like obstacles? More to come. Remember, it gets worse before it gets better. 


	14. Adam

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: Adam  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Carter walked into the slightly darkened apartment around seven to find Abby eating breakfast with Andrew; not exactly the first thing he wanted to deal with on a day like today. He was already stressed, already running late and nothing was going to cure his hangover.  
  
"Have a nice night?" Andrew asked.  
  
"Honestly, I have no idea. I was at a club and then I wasn't. Funny how that happens," he said as he disappeared into the bathroom.  
  
"Did he come home at all?" Abby asked.  
  
"For future reference, Carter usually never comes home at night if he's wasted. Especially if he's not alone."  
  
"Am I wrong or does he have to start back at County today?"  
  
"His shift starts at nine. But he's not moving very fast."  
  
Andrew emptied his place and put it in the dishwasher before kissing Abby and stepping out the door to go to work, while Abby hung around for a little bit.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked he walked upstairs to finish changing.  
  
"I figured you might want company on the El."  
  
"When's your shift?" he asked.  
  
"Nine. Same as yours." He reappeared moments later, fully dressed.  
  
"Are you ready?" he asked, which slightly surprised her before he didn't eat, his hair was still wet and they were early.  
  
"We have time. You can eat or something."  
  
"Not hungry. Note, if you ever plan on getting really drunk again, which I hope you don't, it's not wise to eat an hour after you've finished emptying the contents of what use to be your stomach." He said as he picked up his bag. "I'll settle for the good coffee. I'll buy you a cup if you hurry," he said as he opened the door and waited for her to gather her own things.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Things worked themselves into a routine at County. Carter felt at home once again, taking lead of important situations, possibly being the only one who would argue and prove Romano wrong on almost every occasion. He was beginning to see more purpose. He thought things would turn out all right. He was becoming more comfortable with Abby's relationship with Andrew, only because he was having his own fun at nights, not always drinking, but never usually at home when they were. They didn't really go back to being great friends, but he learned to live with her pestering him, sometimes finding himself flirting a little bit, until he saw that look in her eyes, that said "when you tell me, I'll break up with Andrew". It was at that point that he shifted back into his annoyed self and ignored her for a few days before the routine repeated itself.  
  
And then things started to change again. One curve ball turned into two which kept on spinning until he thought he would die of dizziness. It was the middle of his shift, when he wasn't sure if he was really tired or really awake and nothing could cure it except a good trauma and some good food, not necessarily at the same time.  
  
"Whoa, where do you think you're going?" Carter asked as he intercepted a toddler running down the hall. As he scooped the boy into his arms, the chubby and sticky fingers clung to his cheeks and the piercing dark eyes stared into his. "Who do you belong to?" Carter asked.  
  
"Me. Sorry." Carter looked up to see a man he clearly had problems with.  
  
"Trent, in pedes, right?" Carter asked as he handed the boy over.  
  
"Yeah. Do I know you?" Carter picked up a rag and cleaned off his hands and face.  
  
"John Carter."  
  
"Right. Listen, I'm sorry about before," Trent started before Carter waved him off.  
  
"I don't care about the past. I've been through this with Abby. I don't question her decisions. I have work to do." Carter walked off. An hour later he was talking with Susan in the ambulance bay when Abby walked out holding the same little boy with Trent at her side.  
  
"So, you're gone until Monday?" Abby asked.  
  
"Yeah. I know it's last minute but the nanny split on me, again."  
  
"Hey, Adam's mine too. I want to spend time wit him. I know I haven't done a lot lately but I appreciate everything."  
  
"We've had this discussion, Abby," he said as he started walking off.  
  
"I know. Thanks again."  
  
Susan watched as Carter froze and looked at the "family".  
  
"You know, this makes my life so much better," he told Susan. Abby turned her gaze from a retreating Trent to find Carter watching her. There was something about the look in his eyes that told her he knew a truth she didn't want to face.  
  
"John," Abby said.  
  
"I'm off. I'm getting out of here," he said as he disappeared without listening to Abby.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Continue to R&R. I appreciate feedback. 


	15. Twenty Bucks They're Wrong

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that appear on the show, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: Twenty Bucks They're Wrong  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"How are you?" Susan asked a few days later.  
  
"I am excellent," he said behind his sucker.  
  
"Are you sure? You seemed a little on edge the past couple nights."  
  
"Of course. I'm being optimistic." He closed another chart.  
  
"I can tell. So, Abby's looking for you."  
  
"Good for her."  
  
"John, stop being stubborn. If anything, let her be your friend."  
  
"No. Because last time I felt anything for her she didn't trust me. She literally broke my heart. It took me two trips to Africa, dealing with Gillian and quitting my job, to get over her. I can think for myself now. I'm not doing it again."  
  
"So, I have to keep lying for you. Telling her I had absolutely no idea where you are every night, that I never talk to you, that we are completely void of all communication."  
  
"No. If she wants to truth, tell her the truth. But she's your friend. You know how possessive and angry she gets."  
  
"I get your point."  
  
"I can leave."  
  
"Don't even start that."  
  
"I can stay with Anna."  
  
"Just go home. What's so wrong?"  
  
"Abby is there all the time. She'll talk to me no matter what I do. She'll make me get mad at her because it turns her on." Susan couldn't help but laugh. "I'm serious. She gets this look in her eye when she argues. It's twisted. So, the more immune I get, the more drunk I get."  
  
"You two really have issues."  
  
"I'm through with you," he said with a childish glint in his eye.  
  
"Don't say that too loud or rumors will start."  
  
"They already have. I put my twenty bucks on how clueless they are."  
  
"You're the clueless one."  
  
He climbed up onto the desk and continued charting. Abby appeared and started talking to Susan.  
  
"Why don't we all go out?" Susan suggested.  
  
"Can we go someplace where I don't get in trouble?" Abby asked.  
  
"You and Andrew pick. Carter and I will join."  
  
"Susan will join," Carter corrected.  
  
"We talked about this," she told him.  
  
"No, you talked, I ignored. I'm not going out tonight."  
  
"Why?" Abby asked.  
  
"Aside form the fact that I have no recollection of last night, I just don't feel like getting drunk with people watching. Unless you'd like to join the after show. Or just watch?" he asked looking at her.  
  
"Knock it off," Susan said.  
  
"This was a long night," Pratt said walking up and interrupting their conversation.  
"I had fun," Carter said.  
  
"How?"  
  
"It's a rush. My patients lived. I survived without an injury. Any day like that is a good day."  
  
"You would enjoy it," Deb said.  
  
"Déjà vu," Carter said as he turned up the radio.  
  
"Now, a little Afternoon Delight in the evening, for Abby," the announcer said.  
  
"You are such a cheater," Susan said.  
  
"What are you talking about?" he asked. "I didn't do it."  
  
"Pulling that stunt on another woman."  
  
"I didn't do it," he said setting down his chart and getting off the counter, backing up as Susan advanced both ignoring the annoyed glance of Abby who couldn't believe this was happening again. Once out of ear shot, he said something silently to her, which caused her to erupt into laughter, which then caused the attention of admit. "It's okay. She just swallowed her gum," Carter said as they disappeared into the lounge.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: This wasn't how I planned this chapter to end but I think I like this ending better. Let me know what you think. 


	16. Blast From the Past

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: Blast From the Past  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
For close to twelve hours she had watched from afar as he treated and streeted many patients without one moment of hesitation and hardly a time to breathe. She had watched as he playfully bantered with Susan; the only real time he smiled. She had watched as he broke the news to a mother of five that her husband wouldn't be coming home again. She had watched as he slowly slipped into the men's room, only to emerge five minutes later with a flushed face and no expression. Now he was walked back to admit, not really looking as exhausted as he was, and picking up his messages and labs.  
  
"Aren't you due for a break?" Abby asked leaning on the counter next to him.  
  
"I'll take a break when I'm ready."  
  
"I was kind of hoping for company for coffee."  
  
"Ask Trent," he said before his hands stilled and he took a millisecond to respond. "Oh, wait. He's at home taking care of your mysterious kid." He erased a name off the board. "And while we're on the subject, why don't you spend time with your own kid? Are you that scared of being a mother that you can't even see your own kid?" he asked.  
  
"It's not what you think. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but there's never been a time."  
  
"Really, because you're practically lived out of my house. You came to talk to me at Kerry's. You've had plenty of time."  
  
"Don't be mad."  
  
"I'm not mad."  
  
"Don't lie."  
  
"I'm not. I just feel sorry for that little boy who never gets to see his mother because she's having too much fun with her new boyfriend."  
  
"I don't have to explain my relationship with my son or with Trent. Apparently, it's not something you could understand. Not being a father and all," she said looking at her feet.  
  
Her motions went unnoticed by him and he didn't offer up any comeback line. When she looked up he was completely ignoring her while scanning his messages.  
  
"Excuse me," he said as he took a step to walk around her but all his motions halted when she blocked his path.  
  
"Talk to me," she pleaded.  
  
"We're not discussing this any further. We've already established that I have my life and you have yours. We live them separately." He turned away from her and was about to walk off when Frank stopped him.  
  
"You have a visitor. She's been waiting about an hour but you've been running around like a mad man," Frank told him.  
  
"I'm really busy. My med student is late. And I have patients," Carter said.  
  
"I think she's scared. She probably shouldn't even be here. If you could just talk to her," Frank said. Carter sighed and rubbed his eyes, finally looking at Frank. "She's in chairs." Carter looked into chairs and aside from a few people with coughs or bruises, there was no one there he knew.  
  
"I don't know anyone in chairs, Frank. Maybe this person left."  
  
"No. The little girl. Blonde hair. Nose in a book." Carter looked again and there she was.  
  
Sensing someone watching her, the girl looked up from her book and the first eyes she met were his.  
  
"Frank, do we have the forwarding phone numbers and addresses for past employees?"  
  
"What?" he asked Carter.  
  
"The book that has all forwarding addresses? Find it," Carter said as he rounded admit and walked over to chairs, slowly sitting down in one across from the girl, his back to everyone who was attempting to watch Dr. Carter with this mysterious girl.  
  
"Hi," Carter said, setting his charts on the chair next to him.  
  
"You're Doctor Carter?" she asked.  
  
"The one and only."  
  
"Then I guess I'm in the right place." She hesitated to smile. "Do you know who I am?" she asked.  
  
He nodded, afraid that the right words wouldn't come to him.  
  
"Dr. Carter, I have that book," Frank said. He watched Carter wave him off.  
  
"Are you hurt?" Carter asked.  
  
"No. I might be dead when my mom finds out I'm here."  
  
"You came alone?" he asked.  
  
"Everyone was really nice to me on my flights."  
  
"If I'm correct, you're living in Europe," he said.  
  
She nodded.  
  
"And you flew here by yourself?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"How'd you get that kind of money?" he asked.  
  
"My mom had this account set up for me. She said it had money that my dad would send to me. I had to search really hard to find the account number. I still don't know how much is in it. But I bought my plane ticket and then I came here."  
  
"Any reason why?"  
  
"She has a new boyfriend. He's not very nice. To either of us."  
  
"Did he hit you? Hurt you?" Carter asked.  
  
"Only once, but she didn't do anything, so I came here. He can't hurt me here, right?" she asked, her eyes threatening tears.  
  
"No. No one can hurt you here," Carter reassured her, brushing the hair out of her eyes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Please continue to R&R and check out my other stories. I'm in the process of working on more, so my time is now divided. So please bare with me as I won't be updating as many chapters as I did before. 


	17. Fact or Fiction

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: Fact or Fiction  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Where's that book?" Carter asked as he returned to admit a few minutes later and took it from Frank as he picked up the phone. He flipped through the pages quickly before he found the name he was looking for. He listened as numerous names were mentioned before he pressed the corresponding number. A moment later a secretary came on. "Yes, Dr. John Carter. It's an emergency."  
  
"Hey, are my labs back?" Susan asked walking up.  
  
"Check the bin," Frank told her. She walked past Abby and saw her watching Carter from a slight distance.  
  
"Who's he talking too?" Susan asked. Abby shrugged.  
  
"No. I can't hold. Get her on the phone." He ran a frustrated hand through his hair and Abby's eyes widened when Carter suddenly began speaking fairly fluent French to communicate.  
  
"Carter speaks French?" Abby asked. Susan didn't answer, knowing that with it came an explanation.  
  
"What's going on?" Susan asked him, leaning on the desk next to him.  
  
"Family crisis I guess. Avery Tracy is sitting in chairs." Susan glanced over her shoulder to see the girl reading a book.  
  
"Avery Tracy?" Susan questioned.  
  
"Can I explain later?" he asked.  
  
"Sure. Need some help. I'm off but I can stick around," she said.  
  
"I have more stuff to do, but I don't want to leave her waiting in chairs," he whispered as they both looked at the girl.  
  
"I'll take her with me. Cook some dinner, she can take a bath and sleep in a bed. This can't be a good place for her."  
  
"You're an angel," he said. "I'll be over around ten."  
  
"Okay," Susan said as she walked over to the girl. "Hi, Avery right?" she asked sitting down. The girl nodded. "I'm Susan. I'm a really good friend of Dr. Carter's. He has to finish working but I thought you might be hungry and tired."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Then let's get you out of here," Susan said as she picked up the girl's bag and together they entered the lounge. As they were exiting Susan looked over her shoulder and waved, getting a mouthed "Thank You" from Carter.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Abby was surprised a couple days later when she turned the key in Andrew's apartment and stepped in to find Carter there. His back was to her as he stared at the TV screen.  
  
"Where's your new buddy?" she asked as she closed the door. He didn't answer. "Already scare her off?"  
  
"Mind your own damn business," he said from his spot.  
  
"I'm just trying to be your friend."  
  
"I don't want you to be my friend."  
  
"What do you want?" she asked, silently hoping his answer was what she wanted. What she didn't know was that he was battling between the devil and the angel as if to be brutally honest, make a joke, or lie.  
  
"I want you to leave me alone," he said, emphasizing the 'you' part.  
  
Abby didn't hesitate at the chance to get him to open up to her, even a little bit. "Where's your friend? The little girl."  
  
"She's nine. She's not my friend and she's not here."  
  
"Where'd she go?"  
  
"The girl's took her shopping and to a movie."  
  
"What girls?"  
  
"Why do you care? Jealous that I didn't ask you?"  
  
"Maybe. Am I not good enough?"  
  
"No, I just didn't think you wanted to go out with all the women I've slept with. I wouldn't wanting you picking a fight," he told her.  
  
"So she's with Susan?"  
  
"I don't think Susan fits into that category," he said.  
  
"You haven't slept with her?"  
  
"She's not out with Avery," he said. "Besides, what makes you think I've slept with Susan? I'm pretty sure she told you we hadn't slept together."  
  
"It's the rumor around town."  
  
"Don't believe rumors about me. They're never true."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes, because there was a rumor that we were engaged and that wasn't true."  
  
"Who's the girl's mother?"  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"Are you always this secretive?" Abby asked.  
  
"My private life is private and none of your concern."  
  
"What's going on with you and Susan then?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"It's far from nothing."  
  
"Why do you care?" he asked.  
  
"Because you're my friend and I think some of your choices are wrong."  
  
"I didn't ask for your opinion."  
  
The door opened and another blonde appeared.  
  
"You just have them coming out of the woodwork, don't you?" Abby asked.  
  
"Find a hobby," Carter told her as he turned and looked at the woman. "Is knocking not in your forte?"  
  
"Aren't we the gentleman?" the woman asked.  
  
"I missed you, too." He walked over toward them, turning off the TV as he did. "This is Abby. Andrew's girlfriend. Abby, this is Harper. Avery's mother."  
  
"You don't have to tell me that. She's not your type."  
  
"Excuse me?" Abby asked.  
  
"John doesn't like brunettes. Isn't it apparent?" she asked. "The other Abby was blonde, Anna's blonde, Dr. Lewis is blonde."  
  
"Are all the women you sleep with this informed about your sex life?" Abby asked.  
  
"Informed?" Harper asked. "I created what he is today."  
  
"Don't even start that," he said. "I'm sure you said the same thing about Doug Ross."  
  
"Who is your claim to fame then? Who taught you how to use procedures in the way you do?" Harper asked.  
  
"This is not about me."  
  
"Where is my daughter?" Harper asked.  
  
"She's not here."  
  
"Aren't we responsible. Why she ran to you is beyond me."  
  
"We both know this latest guy is pretty rough."  
  
"Not much more than you," Harper said with a wink, which resulted in a look from Abby.  
  
"Can you excuse us?" he asked Abby, without taking his eyes off Harper.  
  
"What? She doesn't know about your secret past? Or are you going soft on me now? 'I only sleep with girl's I'm in love with' kind of thing?"  
  
"That's not how it works."  
  
"How does it work now? Going to hookers now too? You have the money for it. As long as you can remain detached and unemotional then it's perfect, right?"  
  
"Every woman is different."  
  
"So you do roam the streets for women?" Harper asked.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Please continue to R&R and I'll continue to update. 


	18. The Beginning of the End?

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original ER characters, however I may have a few of my own.  
  
Apprehension: The Beginning of the End?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"So, do you roam the streets for women?" Harper asked.  
  
"You know I don't, so don't even start to put the wrong ideas into Abby's head," Carter said.  
  
"John Carter, you're already putting ideas into her head. I can see it in her eyes. She's believing everything you say and hanging on your every word."  
  
"Harper, whatever Abby wants to believe is her choice. She knows me well enough to know that I don't just sleep around."  
  
"How many women have you slept with?"  
  
"What kind of question is that?" he asked.  
  
"A good one. Are you promiscuous?" Harper asked.  
  
"What's that mean?" a small voice asked which in return caused the three adults in the room to turn to the door where Avery was standing with Gillian.  
  
"It doesn't mean anything. Hey baby," Harper said as she hugged her daughter.  
  
"Hi mom," Avery said pulling away and going straight towards the couch.  
  
"Don't get too comfortable. We have a plane to catch," Harper called.  
  
"I don't want to go. I want to stay here," Avery argued standing up on the couch.  
  
"Dr. Carter has a lot of work to do. He doesn't have time for you," Harper tried to explain.  
  
"Wait a second, I have all the time in the world. You're the one who argued about even coming here. Do not go putting ideas into her head," Carter said. "You've already done enough damage." Gillian slowly closed the door and walked in-between Carter and Abby and over to the couch to try and entertain the girl so she wouldn't hear them fighting.  
  
"You've never had time for anything except your work. You never sleep, you never eat, you drink too much, you sleep with numerous women, you are not a role model for my daughter," Harper told him. Abby just stood back and watched. At this point, she couldn't help but believe this new woman.  
  
"You don't live here. You don't know. I drink when I have no where to be. I eat when I'm hungry and I sleep when I'm tired. Most importantly, I do not sleep with numerous women. Since I broke up with Abby, over a year ago, I have only slept with one woman. I'm a faithful man, unlike some people I know," he said, his comment directed at Harper, completely oblivious to Abby, who took the statement a little much to heart.  
  
"Which proves that you can't handle a solid relationship."  
  
"Why are we arguing about this? You know you're never going to win because you don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"She's not staying here. End of discussion. I don't care if I have to drag her out of here kicking and screaming," Harper said through clenched teeth.  
  
"She's my daughter too," Carter finally said, not only admitting it to himself but to Abby who had no idea.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Carter here?" Susan asked when Abby opened the door.  
  
"Upstairs." Susan nodded and walked past Abby. Normally she would have tried to talk to her friend, maybe find out a little background information to his afternoon, but she heard the depression in his voice and needed to see him.  
  
She'd gotten the call as he shift was ending. When he sounded upset, it usually wasn't a good idea to wait. He was on the floor going sit-ups with a pair of headphones on. She set her bag down and lay down on the bed. His eyes were closed so she reached over and squeezed his knee, causing his eyes to dark open. He pulled off his headphones and laid back.  
  
"Did you bring it?" he asked.  
  
"Of course."  
  
Abby stood at the bottom of the stairs and listened to their soft laughter and then intense conversation. She knew something more was going on between them than either of them was willing to admit. She only wished that they could be honest with her. After awhile she almost started getting sick to her stomach so she retreated to Andrew's room to crash for awhile.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He was starved. He had barely started eating cold left over Chinese when he heard the door creak and a moment later Abby appeared rubbing her eyes. She stopped when she found Carter standing in the dark, with only a pair of low-rise sweats on.  
  
"Hungry?" he asked. She shook her head. "Is there a reason why you came out?'  
  
She chose not to answer him and walked to the fridge and took out a bottle of water. It was about time she had her chance to ignore him when he wanted to talk.  
  
"Nice talking to you," he said as he tossed the empty carton and walked up the stairs to his abode. She was slightly shocked to hear whispers for a moment before the place fell silent again. This was the first time she remembered him ever having someone sleep over. She silently prayed it wasn't Susan, but knew that if he was honest about anything, it was his number of partners. She knew there had been more than one. He hated to be alone for too long. Maybe that's why he chose Susan, because she was convenient, she knew nothing was going to come of it all, and he trusted her with all his heart. What was so wrong with Abby?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: We're getting closer to the end. I'm trying to get more details out there about what's going on with him, but it's hard to find the right places. Everything will be revealed in the end. Please continue to R&R 


	19. Favor

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Apprehension: Favor  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
When Abby walked into the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee the following morning it was empty. Usually Carter was making noise somewhere, watching sports updates or talking on the phone to God knows whom. Today seemed different. There wasn't anything of his lying around. There weren't any breakfast remnants. Even the shower was dry. It was creepy. As far as she knew he had officially disappeared and wasn't ever coming back.  
  
When she walked into the lounge an hour later she almost sighed out loud that he was safe, alive and still in the city. However he didn't seem too happy to be there at the moment, as he battled it out with Harper.  
  
"No, it's not going to work," he said.  
  
"A month," she said.  
  
"Yesterday you weren't even going to let her stay and now you can't wait to get rid of her. If she's staying with me, it's not your choice as to how long."  
  
"I need to finish us my work. As soon as I'm done and I have a permanent house in the states . . ." she started.  
  
"No. I'm already haven't to make accommodations. If you step out that door without discussing this with me I'm calling my attorney."  
  
"Accommodations? You live in a bachelor pad. I don't even know why I'm asking you in the first place. What about your grandparent's house?"  
  
"I don't live there. I don't own that house anymore. We're not doing it your way anymore, Harper. We're doing it my way." He finally noticed Abby standing by the door, hesitating to walk in. "Go. Run away. Play house with some guy."  
  
"We'll discuss this when I get back. Don't make any decisions yet," she begged.  
  
"I'm not promising you anything." Harper gave him one last look before walking out of the door.  
  
"Finally taking responsibility?" Abby asked, cringing inside at the thought that she probably just struck a cord with him.  
  
"You know what?" he asked turning around to face her. "I'm done with this. You want to know everything about me? You want answers to your questions? You abandoned me when I needed you the most. I went back to Africa to save Luka and he still died. I shot a man in self-defense and lived in pain for months. I lived with the guilt of sleeping with another woman behind your back just to reassure myself that I was alive and life was worth living. Then I find out that that same woman miscarried my baby before we even know she was pregnant. You throw your new boyfriend, Trent, who you slept with behind my back, in my face, in the hospital we both work at. Now suddenly you have a kid who looks nothing like the man you claim is father and it proves how much of a liar you are. And just to show how much of a better person I am, I'll tell you the truth."  
  
He took a deep breath, slightly surprised that she didn't try to interrupt.  
  
"All the woman in my life have lied about something. Harper refused to let me be in my daughter's life because of the way I had acted. She was just as immature as I was. Avery could have easily been Doug Ross's daughter and I hated Harper before of it. We even did the right thing and eloped before Avery was born just so that he could be provided for. But I was a coward and I let her push me out of my kids life. So, now I have a chance to be in her life and that's where I'm going to be. Her mom doesn't want her but I do. I don't expect you to do anything because you're just as scared. God, I love you so much it hurts. But I'm through with it all. So, from now on, do me a favor and mind your own damn business because the only person I want waking up in my house is my daughter."  
  
He grabbed his jacket and walked out of the lounge and into the ambulance bay, knowing that all the eyes at admit were boring into the back of his head with curious stares regarding his outburst.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Almost to the end. Even I'm getting excited. I know this is starting to clear things up. Please continue to R&R. 


	20. Love and Marriage

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Apprehension: Love and Marriage  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He hesitated before he knocked on the door. Avery was at his side, half- asleep. He knew staying with Susan was putting a strain on their friendship and her friendship with Abby. He didn't want her to have to lie for him. However, there weren't very many places to escape where he knew he wouldn't be bothered. He could hear the footsteps growing closer to the door moments before it opened. She was wrapped up in a blanket as she opened the door. The look in his eyes revealed it all.  
  
"Hey stranger," Anna said opening the door wider.  
  
"Mind if we crash here?" he asked nudging Avery.  
  
Carter didn't wait for her answer as he led Avery into the spare bedroom to get her settled. She fell asleep the second her head hit the pillow.  
  
"She okay?" Anna asked when he walked back out and sat down across from her.  
  
"Yeah. Just tired. She adores you, you know."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because you're sweet, you treat her good, you're not Harper."  
  
"She's a good kid. I'm under the impression that she's not fully aware of how rich you are."  
  
"Throwing that in my face again?"  
  
"John, you are a brave man. No many would accept this challenge so far into their child's life without warning. Most would be too scared."  
  
"I must be able to hide it well. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what I'm doing. I've never been a father. At least not an active one. I'm so scared." She left the couch and kneeled in front of him.  
  
"I'm here. I know that doesn't mean much, but I'm here. I'm not a mother, but I know kids."  
  
"Thank you," he said finally looking up.  
  
"Anytime."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Are the rumors true?" Susan asked Abby the following morning.  
  
They had been the topic of conversation since Carter left the ER the night before and still no one knew the whole story because Abby hadn't said a word. Even to Susan.  
  
"I don't know," Abby told her without looking up from her work.  
  
"Your big argument with Carter last night."  
  
"Oh, that."  
  
"Yes, that. What happened?"  
  
"I don't know," Abby said finally giving in. "He snapped. He confessed to things I don't think anyone knows."  
  
"Like?" Susan asked.  
  
"Just stuff about Harper and Africa."  
  
"Have you talked to him yet?"  
  
"Doesn't that qualify as talking?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then no. He has a couple days off. He packed up most of his stuff. Andrew just said he was moving in with his girlfriend." Abby stopped when she realized Susan was still quiet. "Is he staying with you?"  
  
"Hey, don't point fingers at me. I already dated the guy."  
  
"You are the only woman he has been in constant contact with."  
  
"He's not staying with me. He apparently lied to Andrew because he doesn't have a girlfriend either."  
  
"He wouldn't talk to me even if I found him," Abby said defeated. "He made it clear this time to stay away. I don't want to hurt him anymore."  
  
"Maybe what he needs is someone to sit and listen instead of analyze."  
  
"Whatever. I have rounds," Abby said, picking up her stuff and disappearing down the hall.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Carter noticed the change in himself before anyone else. At this point he didn't even want too many people to know what was going on because the rumor mill was strong enough and he liked having secrets. He was eager to leave his day shifts so he could eat dinner with Avery. He was eager to leave his night shifts so he could see her before she left for school. He wanted to be a constant in her life, if no one else was willing to be. He seemed to forget about everything else when he was at work. As long as he kept busy and his mind was working procedures or charts, he was fine. It was the second that his mind wandered and left alone to his own thoughts that everything haunted him. The second Abby walked by and he caught a whiff of her perfume, or her voice rang through his ears during down time, or her laughter filtered through the ER as she joked with Susan, that was when he started to mentally abuse himself. He didn't want her. He wanted to see her happy, make her own decisions, not rely on him for everything.  
  
One night, around four in the morning, Anna stirred and opened her eyes to find Carter sitting in the far corner of the room watching her.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked sitting up.  
  
"Watching you sleep."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because if I think about you and what you might be thinking or dreaming about, then generally everything else fades."  
  
She pulled the covers back and scooted over in the bed.  
  
"Come lay down with me." He didn't move. "Carter, this isn't an offer. Come lay down." He silently walked over and lay down with her. "I thought things were good. Avery's doing great. She loves you."  
  
"How am I suppose to decide who I want to spend the rest of my life with?" he asked almost out of the blue.  
  
"You have that many choices?"  
  
He smiled. "Well, there's Abby. The obvious one. But I find it so hard to put things back together with her. I find it hard just to be around her in general."  
  
"Then."  
  
"Gillian. She was going to have my baby. But she belonged to Luka and now, every time I look into her eyes, I see the same regret mirrored." He waited for Anna to say something but she sat silent. "Susan."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"She's great. She makes me laugh. She knows how to have fun. But we made the decision before we actually went into that part of our relationship, that when it ended our friendship would remain the same, no matter how hard it was."  
  
"And you've been sleeping with her for how long?"  
  
"I forget. And the second Abby finds out she's going to throw it in my face."  
  
"You have a bunch of winners there."  
  
"Who said I was finished?"  
  
"Sorry, please continue." She laid her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.  
  
"Harper?"  
  
"I doubt second times the charm."  
  
"Rena?"  
  
"Can she drink yet?"  
  
"The list goes on of unsatisfying relationships. Roxanne. Abby Keaton. Many unmentionables. And then, there's you."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Sorry I'm not posting as much. Work and other stuff is keeping me busy. Please continue to R&R. 


	21. Ready for More

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Apprehension: Ready for More  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Me?" she asked looking up at him.  
  
"Where all my other relationships have failed, ours has yet to go. I'm beginning to think that the strongest think I have going is celibacy."  
  
Anna laughed. "I find that hard to believe. You can have a completely normal relationship and still have sex. It might cause more problems if you didn't."  
  
"We've withstood it. And look at us now. Practically living in the same house, not fighting over anything, with a kid and we've never even attempted to enter anything physical."  
  
"Because you're not ready," she told him.  
  
"I'm not ready?" he asked with a smile.  
  
"Right. Until you know what you really want, you're not ready."  
  
"How do you know that I don't know what I want?" he asked.  
  
"Please go to sleep. My shift starts in three hours."  
  
"Fine. Go to bed. Avoid the subject," he mumbled as she snuggled up against him and her breathing deepened. He didn't even close his eyes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Good morning. "Carter said walking to admit with a cup of coffee.  
  
"You're in a good mood," Susan pointed out.  
  
"I guess so. Listen, we should talk later. Come find me," he said grabbing a chart and walking off.  
  
"Who was that?" Pratt asked.  
  
"Mr. Optimistic," Susan said.  
  
"A guy is only that happy in the morning after he's been laid," Pratt said with the raise of an eyebrow.  
  
"Do not start assuming things Pratt," Susan said walking off.  
  
"You were pretty happy yourself when you walked in."  
  
"There is nothing going on. How many times do I have to say it?" she asked.  
  
As soon as his day started, it ended. Or at least shot down a little bit.  
  
"Carter, phone," Frank called.  
  
"Take a message."  
  
"She says it's urgent."  
  
"Who is it?" Carter asked. He erased a name off the board.  
  
"She say she's your wife." Carter's hands stilled for a second. He knew the rumors would start now. He was silent as he picked up the phone.  
  
"Wife?" Malik asked.  
  
"You are a piece of work," Carter said into the phone. "No, you listen to me. From now on, do not expect me to be cooperative. I am sick of your childish attitude." He hung up the phone and sighed before picking it up again. "Hi. It's John Carter. Listen, I have a situation. Thanks." He hung up the phone. "Jerry, I'm expecting a man to be here in about ten. Page me the minute he gets here."  
  
Carter grabbed a chart and walked off.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"I'm looking for Dr. Carter," Anna said as her and Avery walked into the ER.  
  
"He's with a patient. Have a seat and fill out a chart."  
  
"And Mr. Ernenzo in four is waiting to get his catheter removed. Mrs. Hillman is waiting for labs. Curtain two is waiting on a referral and trauma one is still on the vent after a near downing," Carter said as he handed the charts to Susan.  
  
"What did you want to talk about?" she asked.  
  
"Nevermind. I just want to get out of here."  
  
"I heard about the call."  
  
"Don't ask." He was erasing a name off the board when the rumors were sparked again.  
  
"Dad," Avery said. He turned and looked at the girl. "What?" she asked when she was greeted with an unpleasant look.  
  
"Nothing. I'm leaving," he told Susan.  
  
"John, where are you staying?"  
  
"In a box on Main Street," he told her as he walked off.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"What are you doing?" Anna asked when Carter's cold hand slowly found warmth with her skin.  
  
"Your apartment is cold." His eyes remained fixed on the television.  
  
"I told you, you're not ready," she told him.  
  
"You have smooth skin."  
  
"I'm warning you." His hand slowly traveled up and she saw hi eyebrows raise in curiosity.  
  
"Dad?" Carter's hand quickly withdrew from under Anna's shirt at the sound of Avery. He turned on the couch.  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I don't feel good." He climbed off the couch and placed a hand on her forehead.  
  
"Anna can you get a thermometer?"  
  
Within moments Avery was tucked back into bed, with cold medicine and a warm blanket. Anna disappeared to turn up the heat and he lay down on the couch, slowly closing his eyes. When she walked past him his hand shot out and he pulled her on top of him.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked.  
  
"Continuing my search for warmth."  
  
"John, we talked about this."  
  
"Can you shut up?" he asked. She looked down at him silently. "Good. It's easier to do this when you're silent," he told her one-minute before he kissed her. Their first real kiss, first mutual kiss.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Please continue to R&R. I'm getting closer to the end. Hopefully everything will work itself out. 


	22. Surprise Times Two

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Apprehension: Surprise (Times Two)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"How was your day off?" Susan asked as Carter picked up another chart as he grabbed his messages. It had been a good day. Not too many urgent patients, he liked the calm day. He didn't have to rush. He could spend more time with his patients. So far no one had died and he was just looking forward to going home to relax.  
  
"Wonderful," he said as he signed off on another patient. "So, how many rumors are going around?"  
  
"About?"  
  
"My wife?" he suggested, using his fingers as quotations.  
  
"Oh, that's kind of old news," she said with a smile. "We really need to talk though."  
  
"Okay. Come find me when you're on your break." He didn't give her time to demand now was the time to talk as he walked off to work with yet another patient.  
  
The minutes ticked by quickly as his shift came to a close. He was finishing charts for his last patient when he heard the big news.  
  
"Hey Carter, what to place a bet as to who the father of the baby is?" Chuny asked.  
  
"What baby?"  
  
"Dr. Lewis. She announced yesterday that she was pregnant." Carter looked at the nurse. "What?"  
  
"Nothing. I need some fresh air," he said quickly, pulling at his tie as he left to the ambulance bay and slowly sat down against the wall.  
  
"Anyone seen Carter?" Susan asked.  
  
"Outside. I'd steer clear. He's acting strange," Malik said.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I asked him about your 'announcement' and he freaked out."  
  
"Why? You shouldn't have said anything." Susan said before quickly disappeared outside. She didn't want him to find out this way.  
  
"I'm changing my vote," Haleh said.  
  
"Why? Isn't this adolescent?" Abby asked.  
  
"Carter took the news badly. Susan flipped when she found out he knew. My guess is there's a little more going on between them than anyone knows," Haleh said.  
  
"They dated a long time ago. We're all aware of that," Abby defended. She didn't want to admit to herself that maybe Carter could be the father of Susan's baby and that her two best friends have been lying to her for a long time. Just friends? Ha.  
  
"Well, something happened because they're not talking now. That can only mean one time," Chuny said as she watched Susan disappear.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Hey, I've been looking for you," Susan said when she found he against the wall.  
  
"Here I am," he said, not looking up.  
  
"We need to talk," she said.  
  
"Apparently. So, I take it that you are pregnant."  
  
"Yeah. I'm positive you're not the father so don't go doing anything crazy." She sat down next to him.  
  
"Like what?" he asked.  
  
"Propose." He was silent for a few minutes before he reached into his pocket and pulled out a velvet box.  
  
"I want your opinion," he said handing it to her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Please continue to R&R. Thanks so much for all the feedback. Story's almost over. Please continue reading to the end. 


	23. God Father

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Apprehension: God Father  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Did you see the ring?" Haleh asked as everyone stood around admit.  
  
Carter and Susan had spent well past their breaks out in the ambulance bay talking. Sometimes it was quiet and other times some words were spoken so loudly that they carried into the ER. Finally Susan came back into the ER and Carter disappeared out of sight. He didn't show up back in the ER for almost an hour.  
  
"What ring?" Abby asked.  
  
"Dr. Carter gave Lewis a ring when he found out she was pregnant."  
  
"I doubt he would be that drastic," Abby defended. "Besides, he didn't get her pregnant so why would he propose?"  
  
At that moment Susan and Carter walked up.  
  
"Did you do it?" she asked.  
  
"No, leave me alone." He erased a name off the board.  
  
"The sooner, the better," she said softly.  
  
"Stop patronizing me," he said harshly before walking off, leaving Susan standing motionless.  
  
"What was that about?" Abby asked walking up.  
  
"Nothing." Susan watched Carter talk to another nurse before checking his watch and rushing up the stairs.  
  
"Susan, I'm your friend. You can tell me."  
  
"It doesn't have to do with me."  
  
"Are the rumors true?" Abby asked.  
  
"Which ones?"  
  
"Is John really the father of your baby?"  
  
"I'd like you to answer that question," Susan said before walking off.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Abby was putting charts together when he walked up with his med student.  
  
"Go and see if you can get the films faster and don't come back until you do," Carter said, sending the boy off.  
  
"Hi," Abby said hesitantly.  
  
He glanced at her before looking at his chart. "Hi." He quickly looked up and scanned the area. "Jerry, was an envelope dropped off for me?"  
  
"Yeah. An hour ago."  
  
Carter only took the envelope but didn't open it.  
  
"Listen, the lab runner dropped this off a few minutes ago. Considering the recent rumor mill, I thought you would want this a secret," Abby said pulling another envelope from her pocket.  
  
He looked at the envelope before taking it from her. "Thanks." He started opening it but stopped and looked at her. "Are you happy? With Andrew, I mean?"  
"Yeah. I actually moved in with him the other day. Surprisingly, it's working out."  
"Good," he said slightly distracted as he finished opening the envelope. He pulled out the paper and scanned it. "Congratulations," he said to Abby before walking off.  
  
He wasn't gone long before Susan showed up.  
  
"Is Carter still here?" Susan asked.  
  
"Try the lounge."  
  
Susan walked in to find him slamming his locker shut.  
  
"Careful there."  
  
"Hi," he said as he slipped on his jacket.  
  
"Grapevine says the test results came in," she said.  
  
"Yeah. So much for Abby trying to protect my fragile ego," he said sarcastically.  
  
"Whatever it said, John, we can deal with it."  
  
"My first kid was practically stolen from me. Harper didn't want me to be in my daughter's life. And then a year after our break up, Abby shows up with a kid. My next baby is not being taken away from me."  
  
"I'm not going to take your baby away. I could never do that."  
  
He smiled softly at the hormonal tears that threatened to spill over her cheeks. He leaned over and kissed her cheek before softly kissing her lips. When he stepped back he placed a hand on her stomach.  
  
"I'm your god father," he whispered.  
  
"God father?" Susan asked.  
  
He pulled out the letter. "Test results say god father."  
  
"John, I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't even. It's good for both of us and you know it." He didn't say anymore as he pushed open the door. She quickly followed him.  
  
"I thought about your question," Susan said, probably too loud because it got the attention of everyone at admit. He took her arm and led her outside.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Chuck proposed yesterday."  
  
"Really? That is so great."  
  
"I just thought you should be the first to know. I took some days off and we're going to Hawaii to do a small wedding."  
  
"You're eloping?"  
  
"Sort of. We couldn't put our families together." She dug into her lab coat and pulled out an envelope. "We would appreciate it if you could join us, as a witness."  
  
"I can't let you pay for me."  
  
"You're my best friend."  
  
"I would love to go."  
  
"Good, because I already cleared your schedule."  
  
"You are so sure aren't you?"  
  
"I love you, John Carter," she said.  
  
"I love you too," he said. "I have to go. Dinner's waiting." She watched him walk off before going back to work.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: Only two or three more chapters to go. Continue to R&R. 


	24. Return

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Apprehension: Return  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Carter walked out of Avery's room to soft jazz music filtering through the house, carried by a soft warm breeze sneaking through an open window. Anna was standing at the sink in her tight jeans and skimpy tank top, hands absorbing the soapy water. He sauntered over and with a finger he swept the stray hairs off her neck before placing a soft kiss.  
  
"She asleep?"  
  
"Yeah." He placed another kiss below her ear.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked.  
  
"Getting dessert." One hand snaked around her waist, his thumb brushing just above the hem of her jeans as the other one held firm on her hip.  
  
"You already had ice cream."  
  
"Shut up please," he asked as he slowly lowered her tank top strap with his teeth.. His hand left her hip and returned a second later with an envelope.  
  
"What is this?" she asked drying off her hands and turning towards him. She opened it to find a first class ticket to Hawaii. "Carter," she started.  
  
"Susan's getting married. She invited me to go as a witness. I upgraded my ticket and bought two pour so the two most beautiful girls I know could come too."  
  
"We're going to Hawaii?" she asked.  
  
"Yes. Your schedule is already cleared." She looked up at him for a moment before finally giving in and bringing his head in for a kiss. It was soft until he nibbled her lower lip until she granted his tongue access to her mouth. He smiled softly at the moan that escaped from her. Her hands slipped under his shirt, pulling him closer. His hands reached around and firmly gripped her ass, pulling her up, wrapping her legs around his. Moments later they lay naked on her bed. For their first time he wanted to be gentle, but she wouldn't let him.  
  
"Anna?" he asked in her ear as he could feel her body start to tighten .  
"What?" she asked, her hands clutching the bars on the headboard.  
  
"Will you marry me?" he whispered with one last thrust, sending them both over the edge.  
  
"Are you serious?" she asked looking deep into his eyes.  
  
"Always."  
  
She leaned up and kissed him hard. Was that an answer?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Where are all the doctors?" Romano hollered.  
  
"We're slow," Abby pointed out.  
  
"Your point?" he asked.  
  
"Chen and Pratt are working up patients, Trent is in the suture room sleeping and Weaver is in the lounge."  
  
"Four doctors? That's it?" he asked.  
  
"Carter and Lewis are due in right now."  
  
As if on cue the two walked into the ER, both tan and apparently very happy.  
  
"You're late," Robert yelled.  
  
"Tell someone who cars," Carter said as they walked into the lounge. "Morning Kerry."  
  
"Hello you two. Have a good few days off?"  
  
"It was great, Kerry," Susan said, opening her locker.  
  
"Good." Kerry walked out leaving them alone.  
  
"Are we really here?" Susan asked.  
  
"Tell me about it." He said putting his lab coat on.  
  
"I wish I was still in Hawaii, drinking ice tea on the beach, watching you build that sand castle. You are a great father," she said.  
  
"I wish I was back in the hotel room."  
  
"I bet." Together they walked out of the lounge.  
  
"I feel sorry for that kid. His mother is really screwed up."  
  
"You think it's a boy?" she asked grabbing a chart.  
  
"I don't know. I was just saying." She looked at him. "Stop that and get to work," he said with a smile.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Carter, phone," Jerry said.  
  
"Busy," Carter said as he continued to discuss a case with Abby.  
  
"Take the call," Abby said.  
  
"No, it's fine." He glanced at the chart.  
  
"So, you're nice and tan."  
  
"Oh, I went to Hawaii for a couple of days."  
  
"Didn't Susan go to Hawaii?"  
  
"Yeah. She invited me." He jotted down some notes.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we're friends. Can we stop playing twenty questions?"  
  
"So we can't have normal conversations like friends?"  
  
"Abby, we've been over this. I can't handle being your friend right now."  
  
"Carter, phone again."  
  
"Jerry. I told you . . ."  
  
"It's your daughter." Carter stepped away from Abby and took the phone.  
  
"Hey baby doll. No, I have a late shift but I promise to come in when I get home. Anna will read with you. Okay, I'll talk to her. Eat your dinner." He set down the charts and rubbed the back of his neck. "Hey, sorry. I was with a patient. I'm off at seven. You are an angel. Don't' say that. Sure thing. By baby." He hung up the phone.  
  
"Hey you," Susan said.  
  
"Hi."  
  
"Why the long face?"  
  
"I want to go home."  
  
"You can't go if I don't go," Susan said.  
  
"I hate you," he grumbled, walking off.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: One more chapter. Please continue to give me your reviews and suggestions. 


	25. Giving Your Blessing

Disclaimer: I do not own the original ER characters, however I have made up a few of my own  
  
Apprehension: Giving Your Blessing  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"If I go another day without seeing a patient like that, I'll be perfectly fine," Susan said as she shrugged out of her lab coat before entering the lounge.  
  
"Surprise!" Everyone shouted as Susan and Carter stepped in. While Susan was shocked, Carter started laughing.  
  
"What is this?" Susan asked.  
  
"Baby shower. Belated wedding shower," Abby suggested.  
  
"Wedding shower? But I'm not," Susan started.  
  
"Mysterious trips to Hawaii. Diamond rings. It shows all the signs," Chuny said.  
  
Susan blushed. "I was waiting for the right time," she said.  
  
"Congrats," Deb said hugging her friend. Carter stepped away and grabbed his stuff out of his locker. Within seconds he disappeared from the room, on route to his own house.  
  
"Where's Carter?" Abby asked suddenly.  
  
"Probably went home. Why?" Susan asked.  
  
"We all assumed he would want to help you open all the presents," Pratt said.  
  
"Okay, now I'm the confused one." She set her plate down, laying a reassuring hand on her stomach. "Did you guys think that Carter and I eloped?"  
  
"'It's obvious you two have a thing for each other. You were all over each other and then you were fighting and then back together, right before you found out you were pregnant. He gave you a ring and then you guys disappeared," Haleh said.  
  
"Wait, this was not what we agreed," Abby said.  
  
"And it's not true. Carter never gave me a ring. And to stop the other rumors, he's not the father of my baby," Susan said.  
  
"Then who did you marry?" Abby asked.  
  
"Chuck. It's more like re-marry and he is my baby's father."  
  
"That's something to celebrate," Deb said.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Hey," Abby said walking onto the roof to find Carter looking out onto the city.  
  
"Aren't you off?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah. Didn't feel like going home."  
  
He'd been continually distant at work. His flirtation and jokes with Susan died down and any non-work conversation faltered. He was rude or pushy to anyone, but he wasn't friendly with them either. He got the work done and then he left. The ER use to be his home. All his friends were there, his life was there. Suddenly that wasn't happening anymore and Abby felt lonely. She wanted her best friend back.  
  
"Why? Problems with Andrew?" he asked.  
  
She shrugged. "Susan had the baby."  
  
"I know. I videotaped it. Beautiful baby boy. As I predicted."  
  
"I heard he's being named after his God Father." Carter didn't respond. "So, Andrew proposed to me last night."  
  
"Congratulations."  
  
"I haven't answered him yet."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"For the longest time the only person who made me happy was you. So many times I go back and wish I could do things differently so we'd still be together."  
  
"Let me help you with your decision. I'm not coming back. I will always love you but I've made my decision. I'm not making the same mistake twice."  
  
"I want to marry Andrew. I just want us to be clear. Especially when it comes to Adam."  
  
"So you've waited this long and now you want to tell me."  
  
"John, I was never certain."  
  
"I was. From the day I looked into that little boy's eyes, I knew he was mine. And I'm not letting you make the decisions. Harper wouldn't let me near my daughter. But Adam isn't the same. I want involvement. I want him to know his father. I've already missed so much."  
  
"I would never deny you that," she said.  
  
"I'm glad." He remained silent for a few minutes. "Andrew deserves you. He doesn't have the baggage. I think we both realized that was a bad idea. I'll love you forever. But we make better friends than lovers," he admitted.  
  
"It means a lot to me that I have you blessing."  
  
"You too. Just treat him right. Trust him. And love him, unconditionally," Carter said.  
  
"When you find her, you do the same," she said before wrapping her arms around his waist. She felt him breathe a sigh of relief. Things turned out okay.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Author's Note: That's the end. Let me know what you think. I'm not sure when I'll start, probably after some of my others are further along, but I'm planning on doing a sequel. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading. 


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